(Adaezenwa, you especially)
*This post is all over the place. Try to read. Try to understand. Try to leave some feedback if you read and understood. Just try.
Since I was born, my greatest struggle has been with apathy. I can work really hard for something and the second I get it, I feel no pride, no sense of achievement, just a wish to be left alone. I could say it’s because of my brother’s many illnesses and eventual death, but I really don’t want to be someone who blames their childhood for everything they ever go through. It’s massively annoying.
And I just have no more desire to psychoanalyze and research on myself. I have a full notebook of work done for myself and by myself in 2014 where I was both the patient and the psychologist and right now, I don’t want to go back to that. It was as exhausting as all things having to do with the mind are.
One of the major reasons I became a lawyer was so I could ask the questions and not be on the receiving end of the questions being asked. But your family will not let you off the hook so easily, neither will your friends, neither will the people you meet on your blog, asking you at intermittent intervals why you haven’t gotten off your ass to post something for them to read (Side eying Adaezenwa).
But I understand their points. Really. I pride myself on being a logical person. I pride myself on my ability to think through problems and come up with proper, logical solutions.Which is why I have a problem with being constantly apathetic. It’s so against the idea I have in my head of myself. I remember, I actually went to church to get counseling for it. The pastor in question didn’t, probably couldn’t really help me. He just fixated on one thing out of the many fears I spewed and counselled me about that part. He helped me though, a little bit but now that advice is null and void.
My constant apathy has not gone unnoticed by many people. I have had 2 friends be extremely depressed, and I know the constant fear that comes with the worry about them. The worry that they’ll decide that life is not worth living and seek to end it. The worry that they’ll make stupid decisions. The worry that they won’t give themselves time to see if it can get better. I know the worry. And I know that fear.And I know that some felt that worry and that fear for me.
So I decided to flip it. And get interested. In everything. And everyone. Factual report, that shit gets tiring, fast. And it takes more out of you than you would logically want to give.
For instance, my memory. If you’d asked me a year ago how my memory was, I’d have said it was good, way too good. I could remember everything about someone if I focused on them and talked with them long enough. Full names including middle names, favorite foods, preferred names for future offspring, birthdays (I couldn’t forget a roommate’s dad’s birthday for 3 years. And I never even met the man), likes, dislikes, bad habits, fears. Everything they ever told me even in passing, I’d remember. These days, I have trouble remembering family members’ birthdays. I don’t know when I stopped caring about remembering people but I know I stopped. I’ve chalked it up to consequences of being a fake. So now, I sync people’s birthdays with my Calendar app because, although an eidetic memory for acquaintances’ birthdays and likes and dislikes was impressive, it does not change the fact that I have to remember my family members birthdays.
The title of this post is misleading, really. I thought about naming it, This is what you do when you can’t muster up enough mental energy to care although you’d like to but that name was way too long and then, I remembered the famous last words of Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind, a movie mind you that I have not watched ever, although I did read the book, and it incited my mischievous instincts so I thought, why not that? Res ipsa.
Adaezenwa wrote about prioritizing and a scale of preference in her post and I smiled because I remembered that from Mrs. Ajayi’s economics class. This is my scale of preference.
I will try to remember my family members birthdays and not be so hard on myself for forgetting the birthday of an ex roommate I hardly talk to anymore.
I will try to give more people my number and if said people create a maelstrom of relationship drama after one date, I will not allow myself be caught up in their drama because I am trying to compensate for not having too many relationships or because people want me to get married and start producing children that I cannot yet afford. I am the master of my fate, the captain of my destiny and if I don’t like what I see after a set time, I will give myself the freedom to block their numbers and not feel guilty about it.
I will build up my stock portfolio, my savings and my investment accounts meticulously, I will get a pension account started as soon as possible and I will give to the charities that draw my attention where I can. I will not be guilted into giving anything that I can’t afford because my mind plays tricks on me.
Since I am almost fully bored with Telemundo and TV in general, I will not spend my time exclusively on Wattpad reading books that do not benefit me, instead I will keep downloading and sewing new designs and surprising myself whenever and wherever I can, exercising more regularly, actively starting conversations with friends, getting more online degrees, maybe even writing a Wattpad novel of my own.
I will write more of my thoughts on my blog. Because what is a personal blog where readers are not encouraged to know the owner? And I will not get jealous of Adaezewrites.com or Achalugowrites.com or chynanu.wordpress.com or kacheetee.com or Nedoux.com or eurekanaija.com or livelytwist.com because I envy the way they write. Instead I will improve on my content and write in my own rambly, messy way because no amount of envy will change the fact that I have my own unique voice and it is my responsibility to develop it.
I will try to go to church more often, try to evangelize more often, try to live like a true Christian. And shine my light and my life for the God who gave and who gives me everything, even when I really really don’t want or deserve His effort.
I will be a better employee, a better friend, a better role model. A better human being.
And if I come back to this list in the future and find out that I haven’t done as much as I would have liked, I will not give up on it and conclude that my apathy has struck again, I will try again and again until I become the better person I dream of being.