(16) THE TREATMENT

When everything came bubbling out, I went, emotionally, mentally from Bruce Banner to the Incredible Hulk. I was angry, all the time. Even when I was crying, I was angry, even when I was eating, I was enraged. Even when I was walking, one of the only things guaranteed to make me let go of my anger and fear, I would be so angry, I would be screaming into the wind. That’s another aspect too: I would wake up some days screaming, other days crying. On other days, I wouldn’t be able to speak.

I felt like I was in a race between me and myself and the prize was my life. Because it was clear to me, clear to my parents, clear to everyone that I couldn’t go on the way I was going on. But there was still nobody willing to listen to me. They knew all about it. But I had been holding it in for 10 years at that point and I wanted to talk about it more than once. More thoroughly than someone telling me, “okay, we have heard. Ndo. Now stop talking about it”. Why did I have to stop talking about it?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll undoubtedly say it many more times, Evil and indescribable pain lurk in places where people want you to be silent. To let it go. No, I want to talk about it and by God you will listen. You will listen to my grievances, you will listen to my mammoth sized rage, you will listen to my terror. You will fucking listen. Because there has been too many years where I woke up from sleep and wanted to cut my wrists and feel my blood flowing out. There have been too many days when I flirted with thoughts of suicide. A huge truck is coming. Just step in front of it, and your problems will be over.

I unpacked my mind thoroughly. I love(d) psychology. Encarta was my favorite database when I was growing up and I’d always gravitate to articles about psychology and mental health. I loved reading articles on psychology.

And now I had a chance to practice. On myself. From my diagnosis, I found that I had severe anxiety, the manic depression was caused by severe stress and there were “tinges” of schizophrenia. All for me. You shouldn’t have. The perfect cocktail of mental health issues.

You could claim you have diabetes and you need insulin. Just stockpile the insulin for a couple of days, then buy a syringe and an intravenous needle. You’ll be dead in no time. Clearly, I had a lot of resentment buried too.

I was screaming and screeching at God and I firmly believe that is what saved my life. The Saviour who dared to cut me (paraphrased T.D Jakes. YouVersion plan. Crushing it: God Turns Pressure into Power)

I love walking. In the darkness, when the sun goes behind the clouds, my favorite thing to do is take a walk, bottle of water in hand. I was walking around Ikeja, near under bridge (I actually do not remember how or why I got there, it remains a blur) one such time when I saw the book for the first time. The title immediately grabbed my attention.
The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer. It was applicable as I was having a severe crisis of confidence. And I knew that if I wanted to make myself over, break me down and build me up again, there’d be a new slate.

And I could make myself, the perfect version of me that I was always meant to be. So I bought the book. And having a new purpose, I decided to stop thinking about death, stop craving death and start working on my life.

It is and it remains some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. Ever. I used to set goals for myself, U-U smile at everyone today. U-U have a conversation with your mom/dad today, a friendly conversation and leave whenever it degenerates into anger or she tries to emotionally manipulate you. U-U, forgive yourself today. U-U forgive your parents, your friends, and Uncle Asshole today. U-U write the story of what Uncle Sunday Asshole did and share it with everyone. U-U, when someone upsets you, unleash all hell on the person. U-U, unleashing hell made you feel terrible, shebi. Now go and apologize. And from now on, learn how to correct people in love. (Still learning this lesson). U-U, celebrate your birthday on Saturday this year. Invite lots of people. Did your brother say he wants to save your ice cream cake for his friends? Let him do it. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t pay for it. Let him do it. Buy 3 cakes for yourself, you have been through the storm, you have been through the fire, you have come out of it alive. Celebrate. Things will get better for you when you believe truly that it will get better.

An uncle, whom Nebolisa was named for invited me and Nonso to spend a day with him. He took us out to Ice Cream Factory, bought us food, distracted Nonso with more food and ice cream and took me into his office where he had a very candid conversation with me where we unpacked yet more problems and yet more resentment. But at the end of that day, I was quicker to smile. And I was hopeful. Sometimes, just sharing how angry you are with someone who has a pre-existing relationship with you and your family greatly helps you feel understood, appreciated and hopeful.

I started playing Maroon 5’s She will be loved. Continuously. In addition to all the other songs Joy and Ife put on my phone or recommended to me. The only songs I used to listen to in that period were songs that made me either angry or very angry or depressed. But I started listening to happier music.

I once read a book; This song will save your life (Leila Sales). The songs that saved my life were Hillsong’s mix, 116 Clique’s Man Up Anthem (it’s non-gendered abeg), Lecrae’s More but in that period, most especially Hillsong’s Freedom is Here.

If you read the 2015 review, you might have guessed that I completed my self imposed treatment in February. But I definitely did not. It was a continuous process and journey. And I’m still not finished. It’s gotten a lot easier especially as the raw points of my pain, anxiety and anger were covered. But I’m not finished with it yet.

With the help of the Holy Spirit, I identified 5 major areas where my thoughts were perverted.

1. God: I truly believed at a point that God hated me. He’d have liked me to become a martyr. I once asked him, that if He could transfer the breath in my body to someone else, why wouldn’t He just do it? Because I was tired of living with his disappointment and disapproval. I would keep to our agreement. 6 months. But if he wanted to hasten my death, it was fine by me. Martyr behavior something ๐Ÿ™„.

2. Family and Friends: The lessons I learnt in pain were not so easy to unlearn. I felt like no matter what, I couldn’t count on anyone but my self. And that is a very painful belief. A very limiting belief in addition. It began to dissolve when the Holy Spirit showed me how Joy, one of my closest friends was sacrificing her time to go buy me lunch and make sure I ate it. It was in how my big brother finally listened as I unloaded so many years of pain and bought me jumbo sized Skittles and a carton of grapes. In how my parents were taking unprecedented levels of care and concern in my life; my dad was buying me shawarma, nkwobi, asun. In how my mom let me rest my head on her lap and kept on stroking my hair and calling her brothers and my dad’s sisters to tell them to describe how they loved me so much. My friends and family were there for me. And I didn’t have to be strong anymore. I could let it go. Because someone was always on hand to pray for me. Someone was always checking up on me.

3. Money: There was a reason behind why I started to check my motives for giving money in the first place. And a reason I hardly give out money of my own direct capability anymore. I speak too much big English. What I mean to say, is I rarely give money or provisions in such a way that people know it came from me. I prefer giving it to a church and watching them/being absent when they distribute it.

4. Sex: I’m not saying anything in detail about this oh. But I had a lot of miscommunication and misconceptions regarding sex and Wikipedia, girl’s/boys magazines, secular and Christian romance novels have helped me to clear it up. Still a work in progress but I’m nearing the end of my target goal regarding my beliefs and where I need to be. Please if you are following my game plan pro forma, ask yourself; is there anything/situation/relationship that would cause you to sin against God/your own body at the current moment? To decide whether or not to read a secular or a Christian romance novel. It’s very key.

5. Hope: There’s a verse in the Bible (1st Corinthians 13:13) that says: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. I completely disagreed with that verse in that period of my life. Wholeheartedly disagreed. At that time the greatest struggle for me was believing that better things were ahead of me. Better things were coming for me. There was too much happening in my life at that moment in time and I just needed quiet and peace in my soul. And hope, hope that everything would get better. Hope that my nightmares and night terrors would turn into good dreams and my irritation with every human being in the world would morph into a calm, a silence borne of peace, tranquility and the ability to actively ignore anything and anyone that did not serve my purpose, my goals or my pocket.

I unpacked everything. And at the end of it, I would feel so tired. Super exhausted. My speech and elocution improved greatly (I used to get very easily tangled up over my words and unable to get them out in time when someone was waiting for me to speak. Oooh, I just realized, (the angel of) God did this same thing to Zechariah!)

I got so much sleep in that period. No bad dreams, no night terrors, I finally retired the small knife I was keeping under my pillow back to its spot in the kitchen. I felt safe. In my house, in multifarious family members’ houses. My godparents house. My friend’s houses.

Thank you God for bringing me to the realization that I’m where/at the place I wanted to be all along.
There is nothing you cannot accomplish once you set your mind to it. And ask for God’s help.

Peace be with all of you! Hugs and ๐Ÿ˜˜.

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Happy Thursdays Week 16

So Trump won the election yesterday and Nigerian Twitter exploded in wails. I might write a post on what I think later but I don’t plan to post it on here. 
All you need to know is that whether Trump or Hillary had become president of America, the so called “leaders of the free world” (fantastic slogan though, America ๐Ÿ‘), nothing changes the fact that God is on the throne, constantly looking out for his beautiful, precious kiddies. 
Everything go dey alright. Breathe!


But I’d scheduled this blog post for today before I even realized it was the day after the elections. And seeing the results, I think it’s time I put on my happy girl, growing-Christian- girl- giving- testimonies- hat and shifted your focus for a little while.

Y’all ready? Awesome.

ONE

 I took a bike on the 26th of October to meet an “urgent” appointment. Straddling the bike, this car, from nowhere seemingly, while reversing almost toppled the bike over and crushed my knee.

But God was looking out for his baby girl. Right before impact, the car stopped. The okada guy was about to start berating the driver when I gave the car a solid but ultimately ineffective whack and told him to drive on. #notimetowitnesspointlessargumentsbiko

I’m just glad my knee wasn’t crushed. 

PS 1: Also people, do not call people to come urgently if you know you’re going to make them wait for thirty minutes afterwards under the hot sun. I hate that nonsense.

TWO

If you read the last thing I posted on here, you know that it’s in my nature to be nice. But I’m working on not being so nice anymore, it’s like a signal to people “see this one here, come and take advantage”.

The thing is, niceness is in my nature. It’s what I’m most comfortable with. My default setting. So now, I try to be low key nice. Low key because if you’re highkey nice, people will flock, take advantage and leave you so bitter and angry, you recoil at the taste for years. 

Amyway, back to the point, when I had to go for my CDS clearance, I noticed that the keke who’d picked me was only carrying me. So I decided to be his conductor and I called passengers for him until he had a full napep. 

Then getting closer to our destination, I noticed that he was taking me directly to the NYSC secretariat instead of stopping me at Bode Thomas, I told him to stop so I could get down. I’d had a bad experience with napeps taking you on journeys against your loudly expressed will and fully expecting you to pay them for, in effect, falsely imprisoning you.

There was another corper in the napep. And when I told the man to stop, he told me to calm down. I was already looking through my wallet for the complete fare to Bode Thomas (the Napeps charge an extra #30 to drop you at the NYSC secretariat). Barracks to Bode Thomas is usually N70. I was going to only pay him N70. I’d told him to stop, no?

When he stopped me in front of the secretariat, I gave him N150 for the both of us. He gave me back N50 and told me that although he knew he’d made me angry, he wasn’t going to let me walk when I was the one who called passengers for him. Gobsmacked, once again. And he gave the other girl a pass on the fare, because she and I were talking and he didn’t want to upset me. I was so humbled! I got off the napep with such an awesome feeling of wellbeing and the feeling of being highly valued.

PS 2- I am indeed quite well aware that there exists no such word as highkey. If in fact there is a chart depicting levels of niceness, there would be more than 2 options and highkey and low key would not be the names of the markers either. But they are the names of my markers and they work well. For me.

THREE

I am very thankful that God prevented me from hitting someone with a car yesterday. When I started driving, I begged God not to let me kill, hurt or maim anyone. Yesterday, he answered. And I’m more than grateful. Pray for me, please. Pray for my driving also.

PSA: Do not ever drive when you’re tired or sleepy. Ever. Bad stuff will happen. You’ll miss signs, forget what you need to do or hurt someone. More people driving when tired/sleepy get into crashes than people who drive drunk. Do not ever drive tired or sleepy.

FOUR

My friends just welcomed a bouncing, cute, gorgeous little girl recently, Her name is Oluwasemiloore Ajijola and she is so gorgeous you can’t believe it. Congratulations guys!

Oluwasemiloore Ajijola, we love you!

Their wedding inspired one of my oldest posts

FIVE

So, on the day of my POP (passing out parade), I aimed to get there super early because I wanted to get my certificate and return home to do something else I’d had slated.

I got to Berger, got on a bus to Iyana Ipaja. It was N250 but given that it had been N200 last year and they removed subsidy this year, that was not a red flag. I got on the bus, paid my fare and sat down. From previous experience, I knew the NYSC secretariat was a bus stop along the road so I checked my WhatsApp, Twitter and other social media, started reading a Wattpad novel etc. He called stops for passengers but until he called a stop called Ajegunle, I wasn’t particularly interested. I didn’t remember much about Iyana Ipaja from last year but I was quite sure there was no stop called Ajegunle. Still he kept on driving and reasoning that he might be taking another route, I stayed on.

Then when the last bus stop was announced and I got off the bus, I found out that I was in Ipaja, Ogun State. ๐Ÿ˜

I explained my predicament to the driver who laughed his head off at me but told me to get back into the bus as he was going to Iyana Ipaja next.

When I finally got to Iyana Ipaja and collected my certificate of discharge, I hung around with Chima for a while and then with my friend Chinyere. I said hello to a former pastor of mine, at the Oasis. He’d brought his 8 month pregnant wife to the camp to collect her certificate.

When I determined to leave, I almost fell. Now, I have recurrent episodes of hypoglycemia and the main symptom of it in my body is dizziness. Incredible dizziness. And then incredible tiredness. I went over to a guy selling yoghurt (to increase my blood sugar levels) and brought out my money to pay but he kept right on wasting my time so I got a chair and went to sit under a canopy. Every part of my body was tingling (my body was trying to compensate by pumping blood faster) and I had to close my eyes because it looked like everywhere was spinning. Even under the canopy, the sun was still hot, I desperately wanted to remove the crested vest because the collar was choking my neck. So I did something I usually wouldn’t; I asked for help.

I went over to my former pastor and I asked him if he could drop me off somewhere where I could get a bus directly to Berger. He said okay and directed me back to my seat until his wife finished her clearance. Then, explaining the situation to his wife, they agreed I’d come with them. And they did not drop me at a stop where I could get a bus to Berger, they dropped me at Berger itself. New Garage to be precise. 

For people who lived in Lekki, this was over- and- beyond nice. Wherever you guys are, thank you. Thank you so incredibly much. May God bless you abundantly and remember this always in your favour.

(PS: I got a doughnut almost immediately afterwards to increase my blood sugar levels.)

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ARTICLE RECOMMENDATIONS

http//hopesdiaries.com/2016/10/18/the-god-of-all-comfort/- Very lovely article.

To the Girl Whoโ€™s โ€œToo Niceโ€: You Can Be Kind and Be Strong

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ANNOUNCEMENT

Chinedu will be having a sewing club programne on the 19th of November. You can buy for yourself, your friends and family. Even boys will like it.
Details in the picture ๐Ÿ‘‡๐Ÿ‘‡๐Ÿ‘‡. Just make that call or send that email. Thank you.

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