(23) The effects of Secular TV shows and movies on my life and on the way I practice Christianity (1)

There was quite recently a debate on Twitter about a secular TV show, Lucifer. And a guy was attacking the show because of the very real fear that if we give the devil ground through such shows in our hearts and minds, we’re dispossesing God of His rightful place as the King of our heart (OK Google, play me King of my heart by Steffany Gretzinger.)

And then a lady came out of nowhere and began insulting his father on the grounds that the boy’s father produces, directs and stars in Mount Zion movies, a genre that tormented me and that I used to torment Soso as well.

And I’m not going to provide any visual stimulus of this shit because I believe both the guy and the girl were right but could have communicated with each other better. So that when one party spoke the other party listened and if any one party felt the need to display rage and uncouth behavior, they could decide instead to pause while they thought about their relationship and the innocent people just watching this argument like a tennis match 🀷🏽 or even a Mount Zion movie. πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜

Do you want to know where I got the idea that you could literally pause your negative thoughts and feelings before you allow them turn into negative words and negative actions?

That’s right! You got it! Correct. A little show called How I Met Your Mother.

I was watching HIMYM in the University before I even heard of Joyce Meyer who pretty much confirmed it for me.

I believe that every human being has a say in how they’re being pastored and led. Do not let your eyes be blinded by fear that you decide that you would rather not choose to know what the Bible says about your life, your current situation,

Perfect Love casts out fear. God is the epitome of perfect love.

God loves you so much. It doesn’t matter what you have done or are still doing. He just wants you to come to Him and get even closer still.

Personalize it even and repeat it to yourself as often as you need to hear it. God loves me Obianuju Jennifer Ebelechukwu Ayalogu. He adores me. I am the apple of his eyes. I am the thought that fills his mind. If I am in pain, I only need to call upon HIM and he will deliver me. He will rescue me from every problem because I know His name. I will tread upon lions and serpents. The young lions and the serpents will I trample underfoot.

Because I have made the Most High my dwelling place, what can mere mortal do to me? (paraphrased Psalm 91).

You unlock a huge power when you find your voice, know what you won’t tolerate and know who you are in Christ. Ahhhhhh. It is so beautiful. How you let power loose. The young lions and the serpents shall you trample underfoot.

Unlock the power that could be yours. Start unlocking it today by picking up your Bible whether hard copy or digital.

Praying for Your Elephant, YouVersion plan by Adam Stadtmiller
Choosing the Meaningful over the Urgent, YouVersion Bible plan by Valorie Burton. This plan has resonated so much with me.πŸ™ŒπŸ½
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(22) Current Views (Ep. 1)

Hi guys.

So a couple of you were wondering about my current stand on quite a number of issues that plague our world and I’d like to clarify right now in this short and hopefully informative post.

Dwacawys. I want to kiss those cheeks!
Hehehehehe. My wuvy duvy

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  • I am a Christian.
  • I am a feminist.
  • I am pro- adoption or pro surrogacy. Let me explain this a bit further, I was asking God how I can justify being pro- life when a 10 year old girl is raped, gets pregnant and is forced to carry a child to term and subsequently loses her life and that of her child? How? How can I? And the Holy Spirit replied that I should say that I am pro adoption and pro surrogacy, which is very true.
  • But also, I sincerely believe that every child is a blessing. It’s an accepted fact that some people suffer from infertility and others from hyper fertility. And there is so much sickness in the world, some affecting female and male fertility. So why not just uncomplicate your partners life. If you can have children naturally, awesome. Consider adoption as well. If you cannot, consider adoption too or get a surrogate. All that let’s go to the mountain is for the birds. I do not like stress at all and even when I was a child, I liked the idea of adopting a child. Even though there was a 9 year period where I didn’t want to have children. Be more open to the idea of adoption. It’s extremely beautiful. It’s extremely rewarding as well.
  • I will continue to condemn any state or country that limits access to birth control such as Georgia, America or Nigeria because it is truly not fair. But at the same time, please guys πŸ™πŸ½, do not abort your kids. I’m asking you. Please. πŸ™πŸ½
  • Gbam!
  • I’m pro life. This actually has nothing to do with the post above. I see and hear about so many people committing suicide. Yesterday someone livestreamed his own suicide. Life is difficult. It is tough. But suicide is not the answer. This is just a phase. A test. A season of your life. It is not the full story. You are stronger than whatever tried to hurt you. Stronger than whatever tried to break your heart. You can be kind in this world. You are worthy. You are lovely. You are a delight to have around. You might be going through something right now but it’s not ever the end for you. You are loved. You are loved. YOU ARE LOVED.
  • Here’s my advice, develop some boundaries. Evaluate your relationships and try to make sure your giving and taking are on about the same level. Make sure everyone in it has your best interests in mind and get rid of anyone you feel who does not. Boundaries protect you and they keep you safe. Understand that sometimes you cannot change your family but get close to the people you cannot avoid (THIS IS IMPORTANT) and the ones you can avoid, please make yourself scarce. Change your perspectives. Think about people other than yourself. Give anonymously. Watch your tongue especially when you are angry. Watch your thoughts. You do not have to think or believe everything that comes into your head. You do not have to worry about it. What people say or think about you is their own personal business. It is not your concern. Write out a daily affirmation statement that empowers you. Just because a statement exists or has been said over your life, does not make it true. You can reject every evil claim made over your life. You are stronger than your pain. Live. Love. Laugh. It’s going to get better for you. Trust God. Trust yourself. He loves you. He has empowered you to love yourself. Trust God through the process.
  • I’m pro divorce in cases of violence, verbal and physical abuse and sexual molestation of children, and adultery. Please read Gary Chapman’s Hope for the Separated first though. And above all, seek God’s peace before you make a permanent decision.
  • **************************
  • I wish you all peace! πŸ’β€οΈπŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’“πŸ’—β€οΈπŸ’›πŸ’šπŸ’™πŸ’Ÿβ£οΈπŸ’πŸ’–πŸ’‹

(16) THE TREATMENT

When everything came bubbling out, I went, emotionally, mentally from Bruce Banner to the Incredible Hulk. I was angry, all the time. Even when I was crying, I was angry, even when I was eating, I was enraged. Even when I was walking, one of the only things guaranteed to make me let go of my anger and fear, I would be so angry, I would be screaming into the wind. That’s another aspect too: I would wake up some days screaming, other days crying. On other days, I wouldn’t be able to speak.

I felt like I was in a race between me and myself and the prize was my life. Because it was clear to me, clear to my parents, clear to everyone that I couldn’t go on the way I was going on. But there was still nobody willing to listen to me. They knew all about it. But I had been holding it in for 10 years at that point and I wanted to talk about it more than once. More thoroughly than someone telling me, “okay, we have heard. Ndo. Now stop talking about it”. Why did I have to stop talking about it?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll undoubtedly say it many more times, Evil and indescribable pain lurk in places where people want you to be silent. To let it go. No, I want to talk about it and by God you will listen. You will listen to my grievances, you will listen to my mammoth sized rage, you will listen to my terror. You will fucking listen. Because there has been too many years where I woke up from sleep and wanted to cut my wrists and feel my blood flowing out. There have been too many days when I flirted with thoughts of suicide. A huge truck is coming. Just step in front of it, and your problems will be over.

I unpacked my mind thoroughly. I love(d) psychology. Encarta was my favorite database when I was growing up and I’d always gravitate to articles about psychology and mental health. I loved reading articles on psychology.

And now I had a chance to practice. On myself. From my diagnosis, I found that I had severe anxiety, the manic depression was caused by severe stress and there were “tinges” of schizophrenia. All for me. You shouldn’t have. The perfect cocktail of mental health issues.

You could claim you have diabetes and you need insulin. Just stockpile the insulin for a couple of days, then buy a syringe and an intravenous needle. You’ll be dead in no time. Clearly, I had a lot of resentment buried too.

I was screaming and screeching at God and I firmly believe that is what saved my life. The Saviour who dared to cut me (paraphrased T.D Jakes. YouVersion plan. Crushing it: God Turns Pressure into Power)

I love walking. In the darkness, when the sun goes behind the clouds, my favorite thing to do is take a walk, bottle of water in hand. I was walking around Ikeja, near under bridge (I actually do not remember how or why I got there, it remains a blur) one such time when I saw the book for the first time. The title immediately grabbed my attention.
The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer. It was applicable as I was having a severe crisis of confidence. And I knew that if I wanted to make myself over, break me down and build me up again, there’d be a new slate.

And I could make myself, the perfect version of me that I was always meant to be. So I bought the book. And having a new purpose, I decided to stop thinking about death, stop craving death and start working on my life.

It is and it remains some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. Ever. I used to set goals for myself, U-U smile at everyone today. U-U have a conversation with your mom/dad today, a friendly conversation and leave whenever it degenerates into anger or she tries to emotionally manipulate you. U-U, forgive yourself today. U-U forgive your parents, your friends, and Uncle Asshole today. U-U write the story of what Uncle Sunday Asshole did and share it with everyone. U-U, when someone upsets you, unleash all hell on the person. U-U, unleashing hell made you feel terrible, shebi. Now go and apologize. And from now on, learn how to correct people in love. (Still learning this lesson). U-U, celebrate your birthday on Saturday this year. Invite lots of people. Did your brother say he wants to save your ice cream cake for his friends? Let him do it. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t pay for it. Let him do it. Buy 3 cakes for yourself, you have been through the storm, you have been through the fire, you have come out of it alive. Celebrate. Things will get better for you when you believe truly that it will get better.

An uncle, whom Nebolisa was named for invited me and Nonso to spend a day with him. He took us out to Ice Cream Factory, bought us food, distracted Nonso with more food and ice cream and took me into his office where he had a very candid conversation with me where we unpacked yet more problems and yet more resentment. But at the end of that day, I was quicker to smile. And I was hopeful. Sometimes, just sharing how angry you are with someone who has a pre-existing relationship with you and your family greatly helps you feel understood, appreciated and hopeful.

I started playing Maroon 5’s She will be loved. Continuously. In addition to all the other songs Joy and Ife put on my phone or recommended to me. The only songs I used to listen to in that period were songs that made me either angry or very angry or depressed. But I started listening to happier music.

I once read a book; This song will save your life (Leila Sales). The songs that saved my life were Hillsong’s mix, 116 Clique’s Man Up Anthem (it’s non-gendered abeg), Lecrae’s More but in that period, most especially Hillsong’s Freedom is Here.

If you read the 2015 review, you might have guessed that I completed my self imposed treatment in February. But I definitely did not. It was a continuous process and journey. And I’m still not finished. It’s gotten a lot easier especially as the raw points of my pain, anxiety and anger were covered. But I’m not finished with it yet.

With the help of the Holy Spirit, I identified 5 major areas where my thoughts were perverted.

1. God: I truly believed at a point that God hated me. He’d have liked me to become a martyr. I once asked him, that if He could transfer the breath in my body to someone else, why wouldn’t He just do it? Because I was tired of living with his disappointment and disapproval. I would keep to our agreement. 6 months. But if he wanted to hasten my death, it was fine by me. Martyr behavior something πŸ™„.

2. Family and Friends: The lessons I learnt in pain were not so easy to unlearn. I felt like no matter what, I couldn’t count on anyone but my self. And that is a very painful belief. A very limiting belief in addition. It began to dissolve when the Holy Spirit showed me how Joy, one of my closest friends was sacrificing her time to go buy me lunch and make sure I ate it. It was in how my big brother finally listened as I unloaded so many years of pain and bought me jumbo sized Skittles and a carton of grapes. In how my parents were taking unprecedented levels of care and concern in my life; my dad was buying me shawarma, nkwobi, asun. In how my mom let me rest my head on her lap and kept on stroking my hair and calling her brothers and my dad’s sisters to tell them to describe how they loved me so much. My friends and family were there for me. And I didn’t have to be strong anymore. I could let it go. Because someone was always on hand to pray for me. Someone was always checking up on me.

3. Money: There was a reason behind why I started to check my motives for giving money in the first place. And a reason I hardly give out money of my own direct capability anymore. I speak too much big English. What I mean to say, is I rarely give money or provisions in such a way that people know it came from me. I prefer giving it to a church and watching them/being absent when they distribute it.

4. Sex: I’m not saying anything in detail about this oh. But I had a lot of miscommunication and misconceptions regarding sex and Wikipedia, girl’s/boys magazines, secular and Christian romance novels have helped me to clear it up. Still a work in progress but I’m nearing the end of my target goal regarding my beliefs and where I need to be. Please if you are following my game plan pro forma, ask yourself; is there anything/situation/relationship that would cause you to sin against God/your own body at the current moment? To decide whether or not to read a secular or a Christian romance novel. It’s very key.

5. Hope: There’s a verse in the Bible (1st Corinthians 13:13) that says: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. I completely disagreed with that verse in that period of my life. Wholeheartedly disagreed. At that time the greatest struggle for me was believing that better things were ahead of me. Better things were coming for me. There was too much happening in my life at that moment in time and I just needed quiet and peace in my soul. And hope, hope that everything would get better. Hope that my nightmares and night terrors would turn into good dreams and my irritation with every human being in the world would morph into a calm, a silence borne of peace, tranquility and the ability to actively ignore anything and anyone that did not serve my purpose, my goals or my pocket.

I unpacked everything. And at the end of it, I would feel so tired. Super exhausted. My speech and elocution improved greatly (I used to get very easily tangled up over my words and unable to get them out in time when someone was waiting for me to speak. Oooh, I just realized, (the angel of) God did this same thing to Zechariah!)

I got so much sleep in that period. No bad dreams, no night terrors, I finally retired the small knife I was keeping under my pillow back to its spot in the kitchen. I felt safe. In my house, in multifarious family members’ houses. My godparents house. My friend’s houses.

Thank you God for bringing me to the realization that I’m where/at the place I wanted to be all along.
There is nothing you cannot accomplish once you set your mind to it. And ask for God’s help.

Peace be with all of you! Hugs and 😘.

(15) Prepare yourselves for the blessing(s) you asked for (Ep. 1)

I saw this tweet on Saturday and at first I just retweeted it. But then I was in a mood on Sunday and I saw an opportunity to make my views known and educate some people.

So I said (embellished);

This how I’m praying that my relationship with the man I consent to marry will be (like).
I hate stress with a passion, don’t invite me into any tense family situations surrounding you please, resolve it on your own with my help if it’s asked for. Does your mama/someone else feel possessive of you?Don’t bring me in until you’ve worked that shit stuff out between yourselves. I’m not EVER going to argue about any man, fight over any man.
The energy I come in with is the energy I intend to keep.
I haven’t stayed single for 6 years and used those 6 years to be stupid. Plis dear.

Then someone asked me via Direct Messaging why I made a two tweet thread about a relationship I don’t yet have.

And here was my response:

First of all, thank you for asking me privately. It’s respectful and I appreciate it a lot.
Second, (it was) because I studied myself thoroughly and I know that if I join to someone, anyone, who isn’t free & unencumbered, a Christian in the truest sense of the word, who has worked on HIS mental health, kind and makes me feel like a princess, a queen, (then) my mental health, that hard won happiness will degenerate and give me anxiety on another scale that’s greater than anything I’ve heretofore faced.

During the portion of my self imposed therapy, where I worked out the family and friends portion, I dug very very deep into my mind. To find out and analyze what types of relationships I currently had and used a variety of books to know which kinds I should aim for.

When a relationship is broken, it’s sometimes extremely counter- intuitive to say, divorce, separation, hate is the best option. Very counter intuitive.

So many of the people who’ve gone through divorce have felt otherworldly levels of pain, feelings of abandonment, it’s caused them anxiety, stress and in cases of people who are terrified of having to deal with these feelings, I give the advice in below.

Write down exactly what you’re looking for in the marriage or in bearing children. What are you looking for. Which vacuum do you want to cover? Is it love? Sex without the threat of soul ties? Companionship? A partnership? Friendship? Someone to clean up after you? Someone who can make you feel validated? Be extremely, extraordinarily honest with yourself. If you’ve written the list and discover something new, you can put the something new there as well.

You owe your future self the gift of honesty, the truth of your feelings exposed in the most vulnerable places. Being honest with yourself makes you vulnerable with yourself. Makes you look at your own flaws and more willing to treat yourself with absolute kindness. And that is the goal. Finished up with the list? Not finished yet. It doesn’t matter. Now take it to God.

Tell him, you’re so excited to meet this person and have him/her fill this vacuum in your life. But you’re not sure you’re prepared enough. You’re not sure that you’re healed enough. God is a good good Father. I call him Big Daddy. And there’s a reason I can always talk to him about my future, my feelings and my plans, because I took the risk of inviting Him into every part of my life. (Complaining to God about a situation and asking Him what you should do about it, that’s inviting Him into your matters.

And for someone who has already confessed to having schizophrenic symptoms previously, it was an uphill climb choosing to trust Him. Choosing to believe that He would not let me fall or drown.

Back to the original post, divorce has to be an option for me in case you turn violent, sexually abuse my child or any other child. I’m not and hope never to be all about that cover his shame lifestyle that (old) Nigerian women like to preach. Nope.

If you dare to do to my DAUGHTER or MY SON what was done to me that made me want to commit suicide, that gave me the beautiful gift of (extreme) anxiety, I won’t just “not cover your shame”. I’ll make sure to report you and disgrace you in front of both our families and anyone else whose respect you crave or appreciate. Nature abhors a vacuum. If you’re not building a child up actively, you’re automatically tearing them down. Children respond too well to their parents emotions. Their parents’ moods and use that as an internal check.

There’s nothing I won’t do to defend my (future) children. And I’d like them to know that. I’d like them to know that they can hate me, they can come and cry in front of me when the world makes them feel so scared and I’ll hug them very tightly and stroke their hair until they (start to) feel better. They can/may want to see Daddy or whoever else sexually abused them but I’ll be there. Always. And even if I’m not/cannot be physically present, I’ll have someone in place to watch over them.

There’s a verse in the Bible that says: “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” – Solomon 2:15.
I had always wondered what this verse meant. It was only until I read Joyce Meyer’s Battlefield of the Mind, that I understood.

She said, the “foxes” are anything that obstructs our natural inclination toward love or impair it in any way.
And that the “vineyards”, are our ability to love other people. Strangers, people who hurt us, people who make us feel hatred. We’d like to love everyone all the time.

And I took that knowledge and added it to the things I already knew and had already put into practice. I like complete honesty. With me, it is much better to do and say everything upfront, IT NEEDS to be done and said UPFRONT. Whatever your thoughts, beliefs, I need to see whatever your opinions on Christianity, family, my and your continued health and well-being within the first 5 dates.

I once mocked someone, a woman I had not even met, because the person who had gone on a date with her, mentioned that they had gone to a restaurant, ordered the same appetizers and she’d liked it but he said that he found it too spicy. And she told him that she regularly cooked food as spicy as this, more spicy in fact and if that was a barometer on his feelings on spicy foods, he had a couple of options. Get with her program or let them have a nice meal together and then both part ways amicably.

And that was the 1st of January, 2017. And I said something like, “why can’t she just cook 2 pots of soup?” and the man defended her. He told me that, it was her right to defend her personal choices and to know better than anyone what she was capable of doing. And we had a friendly argument over it.

But these days, I find myself understanding and respecting that woman’s knowledge of herself and her effort a whole lot more. See, if you take so much pride in your ability and willingness to do house chores, guess who the house chores will most likely be given to? And I don’t want to chain myself to a stove or to the dustpan.

I just want to breathe. Deeply. Be “lazy”. Hire a cook/chef. Maybe someone to come and clean my house thoroughly like twice a week. Without worry that my beliefs will offend someone, without stressing over what my parents in love believe about what kind of home I grew up in.

Or wondering if someone will feel insulted by my unwillingness to kill myself with house chores because “in his family, the woman did all that. That was how she expressed/they knew that she loved them.”

I intend to express my feelings of love directly to my children, please. To continuously affirm them. And I’m sick and tired of people, using housework to measure if a woman loves her family. I hate stress. I hate stress. I hate undue stress. I HATE Stress! And housework tends mostly to be stress without any appreciable benefit.

I believe in questioning all motives and all teachings, I tend to have a great big laugh at people who think they have to blindly follow something just because “their pastor said”, that’s how you get anxiety on another scale, how you get hatred, how you get suspicious of family members who have not or are not planning on doing anything to you, see how swiftly the “little foxes” snuck in?

I’m not saying I’m unwilling to love and respect my husband. No, I will love that man so much. I am willing to be his peace. A safe space for him to come and unload his feelings. A joint contributor to the family finances. Willing to “cover his shame” if he loses his job but still stays productive after a brief period of rest. Alladat.

But (his) kindness needs to beget (my) kindness. (His) thoughtfulness will encourage (my) thoughtfulness. (His) respect will inspire (my) respect.

Once upon a time, I used to practice the opposite. Inspiring their own respect with mine. Their own thoughtfulness with mine. Their own kindness by showing mine first. And it is exhausting. It is super tiring.

That’s how I dated someone who persuaded me to miss my father’s birthday celebration because I had promised to take him out for lunch to celebrate his graduation, and kept me in the hostel waiting for his call for 2 days straight, calling him every couple of minutes/hours.

I sussed out his game and I left the hostel for home and stopped calling him. When he finally responded to my call the next night, he gave me an extraordinarily stupid reason/excuse for “ghosting” me.

He was talking to our mutual friend to learn more about me.

HE. WAS. TALKING. TO. OUR. MUTUAL. FRIEND. TO. LEARN. MORE. ABOUT ME. πŸ™†πŸ½πŸ™†πŸ½πŸ™†πŸ½

And I began to get so mad (angry) and sad. At him but mostly at myself. I knew even then that I wasn’t ready yet. I knew even then that I hated stress. Why did I then, take myself, and put in the hands of a child like this biko? Why did I cause myself to be put in this position?

I hung up on him until he could come up with a better excuse. What the hell? He tried to break up with me soon afterwards using “style” and I got even more angry with him and myself.

Why did I do this to myself. Why? Put myself in the hands of someone who in just one weekend, tried to emotionally manipulate me, ghosted me and tried when all else failed, to break up with me by telling me to bring him his books of poems and some other stuff he’d given to me.

I immediately realized that he was trying to ghost me. AGAIN. PERMANENTLY. πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ‘»

Why did I put myself in this situation, biko?

I mourned the presumed loss of my self respect way longer than I mourned that actual relationship.

Profesional Advice:
Before you know what you want in a relationship, what you’re looking for, what you will or will/cannot accept in any form of romantic or platonic relationship, I do not advise ANYONE to carry themselves into or accept just any relationship. Because the shame of a failed relationship is devastating for someone like myself, who is highly emotionally intuitive. And you run the risk of getting into sticky situations and soul ties. Please ehn. It’s not for me.

Also, I’m not saying either that some people should not be cut off just because your pastor said they should be cut off. No, I’d never say anything like that. Just because your pastor said so does not make an advice inherently bad.

The church, the body of Christ, is demonized too often in the world and I’m not willing to contribute to it.

Sometimes, I engage to make HIM known, according to my awareness of who He is in that period, other times I learn according to my own personal boundaries.

What I’m saying is that now you know…

(The second part of this post is up now.)