(24) The main thing paedophilia took from me/ Thanking My Scars Ep. 5

NB: THIS POST IS REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKING DARK AND DANGEROUS. TRIGGER WARNING. Don’t say I did not tell you ahead of time. Contains heresy according to older Nigerians and performative Christianity practitioners, suicidal ideation up the wazoo, and wishes for Matrix type level of impossibilities. So employ your suspension of disbelief too. Just imagine!

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. βœ³οΈπŸ”žβœ³οΈ

Drawing your ear, Read this at your own risk. And when you start, it’s extremely preferable that you don’t stop until you get to the end. I’ll be breaking it up for bite sized access to my thoughts, my mind in that period. Please ehn, read this at your own risk. πŸ”ž

******************************

I really really really wanted to title this post, the key thing UNCLE SUNDAY OYEYEMI MOFOLUSHO ADEKOYA took from me. But upon further discovery, I realized that all the paedophilia I experienced, took it from me. Not just Uncle Sunday’s own brand. NB: I really should stop calling that fucktard Uncle Sunday, what do you think? πŸ€”

From ages 13 – 22, I closed the door of my heart to even the idea that I’d ever be a mother. That is the thing. At age 13 I think, I don’t know exactly because I don’t like to remember those years, my brother (Nebolisa) had had a really really bad night. And it cemented for me the thought that I wouldn’t, that I literally could not pass on my genes to anyone else. It fucking hurt too much. It hurt like crazy. Like fucking hell. But in those periods, I was the queen of compartmentalization. The fucking champion. πŸ‘‘ Stand up and clap for the fucking queen. The reigning fucking champion of not telling people shit that could have potentially dramatically altered the course of her life.

And then, just like fucking annoying clockwork, Uncle Sunday came, wielding his fucking “penis of mass destruction” the next day, and tried to make me… 😭. I have to constantly send that man good thoughts and feelings because if I focus too much on the other actual stuff, I find myself getting too easily enraged, indulging in fantasies of murder and fucking mayhem, which if I ever implemented would land me in Kirikiri Prisons for Women. And I’m way too pretty to go unnoticed for very long. And also, women in my family are very fertile. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

(Sidenote: I’m actually literally fucking crying and laughing as I’m writing this post during what is supposed to be my prayer, meditation and confession time)

Also, rage is not a good feeling on me. Because when I’m in pain, stressed way beyond normal, emotionally anguished or enraged beyond reason, my conscious mind literally shuts down and my subconscious mind takes over while my conscious mind looks on in indifference, hatred, awe and terror. It happened throughout the week leading up to exams and during exam week gangan, Law School, 2014. It was like a social experiment. Two weeks of living in a body where my first reaction to everything was anger and rage. And it was threatening to happen during election period this year. (If you still do not know why I’m so scared of that scenario, please read Tell me your dreams by Sidney Sheldon. And just think of me in place of the heroine)

The aftermath of it is three fold.

1. I still feel such incredible shame because I was screaming so long and loud in Joshuaville, City of David’s youth parish and get this, 6, not just one or two, fucking SIX people felt the need to come talk to me after the midweek service and I kept on screaming at them. Don’t touch me. Don’t you fucking dare touch me. Do not fucking touch me. All the while, I was crying so hard, but my voice was strong and CLEAR.

When someone is crying, it is a natural feeling to want to offer comfort. Younger Nigerians have popularized hugs as a means of comfort. And Joshuaville was a youth church. I actually might have stabbed to death the first person who disobeyed my direct order. I don’t know why exactly I kept warning them. I think because it was a church and they’d sang praises neutralizing the demons that were currently inhabiting my subconscious mind. I remember being so excited about Worship Wednesdays when it was first announced. 🀷🏽 It literally saved lives. Hallelujer! Think of Madea when you say it. I have been to Joshuaville even after the screaming event or as I like to call it, “The total annihilation of TWENTY of my relationships and friendships in 2014.” My friendships and relationships were not annihilated in truth. I still talk to some of those twenty people, some more than others though. But I’m a dramatic blog “titler”, it spills over. I don’t let myself be over dramatic in my everyday life, I save it for the blog.

2. I lose literally ALL memory of the period after the screaming and screeching and attempted murder ideation. I blank immediately. There’s a psychological explanation for this too. People would sidestep my proffered hugs and I would be wondering why exactly. Um, maybe recognize that they are scared of you now and here’s a thought, give them some time to get over it before forcing happy Obianuju on them? πŸ€”

My current version of losing home training on Twitter 😁

Ps: Did I ever hug you and you just now felt a need to cross yourself? Lol. As long as I initiated a hug, nigga you’re safe. And even if you touched me without my permission, you’re still safe. I’d have to go on a killing spree if you weren’t. Starting with an usher at yet another church. πŸ˜πŸ™„ What is it with ushers and touching people without permission please? πŸ€” This one adjusted my bra. Like you literally just met me and you’re getting to second base without a fucking hello. Are you crazy? Do you even know how fast you could have died? After the service, after all was calm and peaceful in my mind, the Holy Spirit instructed me to go and tell her that what she did was wrong and made me feel a certain way. Because if you don’t know better, you are consigned to do exactly what you know.

When you know better, you have a responsibility to DO better.

I’ve only ever fantasized in extreme detail about murdering Uncle Sunday, Chinua Asuzu and other paedophiles. Does the thought that I used fantasize about killing people scare you? It should. It really should. You should pray for me. I really need it. I say this as someone who had a crush on a guy for 6 years and when all the signs were right that this guy was returning my feelings, I literally shut him down in the most painful way possible for both him and me.

Let’s face facts please, I was young, what Nigerians call konji was at that period “shacking” me, I would probably have had sex in that relationship and I’ve read enough books to be scared of sex without commitment, one of them being the Bible or I’d have completely destroyed my relationship with that guy and talking to my only recognized ex boyfriend sometimes has been proven therapeutic for me. Even in my self imposed dating moratorium.

3. In that period, even though I was thinking crazy, saying crazy shit and acting crazy, the fact that people responded to the craziness instead of to me as I saw myself, the fact that one girl literally saw me crying and shouting and crossed the road to avoid me, the fact that I count among those 3 relationships I lost that week, my fucking best friends, vetted as only I could, the fact that one of my best friends, told me I was being emotionally manipulative because I had just revealed that I had sickle cell anaemia, IT BLOODY FUCKING Hurt. It cut me so deep because I wasn’t expecting that cut.

I really love this guy on Instagram.

And don’t be imagining that meme of someone saying, “Now get back here and love me”. Imagine something much darker. Like me deciding I would break my promise to God and walk in front of the very next truck I saw. Only the most painful death for me. Because I was stuck in the belief that I needed to punish myself for my part in what had HAPPENED to ME.

2 Corinthians 5:17: If anyone be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things have passed away and behold, all things have become new.

(23) The effects of Secular TV shows and movies on my life and on the way I practice Christianity (1)

There was quite recently a debate on Twitter about a secular TV show, Lucifer. And a guy was attacking the show because of the very real fear that if we give the devil ground through such shows in our hearts and minds, we’re dispossesing God of His rightful place as the King of our heart (OK Google, play me King of my heart by Steffany Gretzinger.)

And then a lady came out of nowhere and began insulting his father on the grounds that the boy’s father produces, directs and stars in Mount Zion movies, a genre that tormented me and that I used to torment Soso as well.

And I’m not going to provide any visual stimulus of this shit because I believe both the guy and the girl were right but could have communicated with each other better. So that when one party spoke the other party listened and if any one party felt the need to display rage and uncouth behavior, they could decide instead to pause while they thought about their relationship and the innocent people just watching this argument like a tennis match 🀷🏽 or even a Mount Zion movie. πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜

Do you want to know where I got the idea that you could literally pause your negative thoughts and feelings before you allow them turn into negative words and negative actions?

That’s right! You got it! Correct. A little show called How I Met Your Mother.

I was watching HIMYM in the University before I even heard of Joyce Meyer who pretty much confirmed it for me.

I believe that every human being has a say in how they’re being pastored and led. Do not let your eyes be blinded by fear that you decide that you would rather not choose to know what the Bible says about your life, your current situation,

Perfect Love casts out fear. God is the epitome of perfect love.

God loves you so much. It doesn’t matter what you have done or are still doing. He just wants you to come to Him and get even closer still.

Personalize it even and repeat it to yourself as often as you need to hear it. God loves me Obianuju Jennifer Ebelechukwu Ayalogu. He adores me. I am the apple of his eyes. I am the thought that fills his mind. If I am in pain, I only need to call upon HIM and he will deliver me. He will rescue me from every problem because I know His name. I will tread upon lions and serpents. The young lions and the serpents will I trample underfoot.

Because I have made the Most High my dwelling place, what can mere mortal do to me? (paraphrased Psalm 91).

You unlock a huge power when you find your voice, know what you won’t tolerate and know who you are in Christ. Ahhhhhh. It is so beautiful. How you let power loose. The young lions and the serpents shall you trample underfoot.

Unlock the power that could be yours. Start unlocking it today by picking up your Bible whether hard copy or digital.

Praying for Your Elephant, YouVersion plan by Adam Stadtmiller
Choosing the Meaningful over the Urgent, YouVersion Bible plan by Valorie Burton. This plan has resonated so much with me.πŸ™ŒπŸ½

(22) Current Views (Ep. 1)

Hi guys.

So a couple of you were wondering about my current stand on quite a number of issues that plague our world and I’d like to clarify right now in this short and hopefully informative post.

Dwacawys. I want to kiss those cheeks!
Hehehehehe. My wuvy duvy

********************************

  • I am a Christian.
  • I am a feminist.
  • I am pro- adoption or pro surrogacy. Let me explain this a bit further, I was asking God how I can justify being pro- life when a 10 year old girl is raped, gets pregnant and is forced to carry a child to term and subsequently loses her life and that of her child? How? How can I? And the Holy Spirit replied that I should say that I am pro adoption and pro surrogacy, which is very true.
  • But also, I sincerely believe that every child is a blessing. It’s an accepted fact that some people suffer from infertility and others from hyper fertility. And there is so much sickness in the world, some affecting female and male fertility. So why not just uncomplicate your partners life. If you can have children naturally, awesome. Consider adoption as well. If you cannot, consider adoption too or get a surrogate. All that let’s go to the mountain is for the birds. I do not like stress at all and even when I was a child, I liked the idea of adopting a child. Even though there was a 9 year period where I didn’t want to have children. Be more open to the idea of adoption. It’s extremely beautiful. It’s extremely rewarding as well.
  • I will continue to condemn any state or country that limits access to birth control such as Georgia, America or Nigeria because it is truly not fair. But at the same time, please guys πŸ™πŸ½, do not abort your kids. I’m asking you. Please. πŸ™πŸ½
  • Gbam!
  • I’m pro life. This actually has nothing to do with the post above. I see and hear about so many people committing suicide. Yesterday someone livestreamed his own suicide. Life is difficult. It is tough. But suicide is not the answer. This is just a phase. A test. A season of your life. It is not the full story. You are stronger than whatever tried to hurt you. Stronger than whatever tried to break your heart. You can be kind in this world. You are worthy. You are lovely. You are a delight to have around. You might be going through something right now but it’s not ever the end for you. You are loved. You are loved. YOU ARE LOVED.
  • Here’s my advice, develop some boundaries. Evaluate your relationships and try to make sure your giving and taking are on about the same level. Make sure everyone in it has your best interests in mind and get rid of anyone you feel who does not. Boundaries protect you and they keep you safe. Understand that sometimes you cannot change your family but get close to the people you cannot avoid (THIS IS IMPORTANT) and the ones you can avoid, please make yourself scarce. Change your perspectives. Think about people other than yourself. Give anonymously. Watch your tongue especially when you are angry. Watch your thoughts. You do not have to think or believe everything that comes into your head. You do not have to worry about it. What people say or think about you is their own personal business. It is not your concern. Write out a daily affirmation statement that empowers you. Just because a statement exists or has been said over your life, does not make it true. You can reject every evil claim made over your life. You are stronger than your pain. Live. Love. Laugh. It’s going to get better for you. Trust God. Trust yourself. He loves you. He has empowered you to love yourself. Trust God through the process.
  • I’m pro divorce in cases of violence, verbal and physical abuse and sexual molestation of children, and adultery. Please read Gary Chapman’s Hope for the Separated first though. And above all, seek God’s peace before you make a permanent decision.
  • **************************
  • I wish you all peace! πŸ’β€οΈπŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’“πŸ’—β€οΈπŸ’›πŸ’šπŸ’™πŸ’Ÿβ£οΈπŸ’πŸ’–πŸ’‹

(21) The Principle of the “Eggshell Skull”

There is a principle in legal practice, law of torts specifically, that states, paraphrased for literary purposes, that it does not matter how you find your victim(s), you have to take them like that. With regards to damages, compensation and even death. Which catapults it from a civil case to a criminal case.

If it was engendered by your negligence or by a wrongful action of yours, you have no one else to blame. The buck stops at your door. To read more on this, see here and if the legalese is too much for you, see here instead. But many do not realize that it has ties to the mind as well.

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But words can never hurt me nyen nyen nyen πŸ™„.

You say? Words are literally the most hurtful things. A sharp word, hateful, hurtful words, how do you feel afterwards?

I was listening to a pastor (Pastor Mike Obaro, Glory 2 Glory Parish, RCCG) and he mentioned that words are the only spiritual currency that we can tender. And our words speak either life or death.

If out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks, then our mouths and our words reveal more about us than we can think. (Read As A Man Thinketh by James Allen. Amazing book πŸ‘πŸ½)

The reason I write this, is due to a variety of factors.

1. I had a bad day mentally a short period ago. Information overload. “Friendship” overload. You can never have too many friends. Actually, you can. If you’re being influenced by more people than you ought to be influenced by, you’ll notice your head telling you, I have reached my capacity, through a variety of factors, a headache, a migraine, loss of communication with the Father, the Holy Spirit etc etc. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Too many friends cause confusion.

Social media overload is a very real problem to quite a lot of people. I like the drama, the likes, the follows quite alright, but I can leave my phone back at my house and go to work and return to it in the evening. Or just switch off my phone all day. Unfortunately, I love my music playlists too much. Looking at buying a new mini music player independent of my phone. Or someone could just send me one. 🀷🏽

2. I had a one sided conversation with someone I fondly called Annoying Person Number One because God had led me to notice that he’d stopped reading my Whatsapp statuses and he brought back the memories of a time when he truly was kind to me. At a certain point in time, he was exactly what I prayed about. And I owed that memory of him an apology.

3.. I have taken it upon myself to reconnect with every member of my family. Through video calls, texts, chats etc. I need and love my family. And I need to let everyone of them know that I need them and I love them. And that in this world, someone needs, loves and admires them. I’m hoping that connection will inspire connection and we will grow even closer than we currently are. And what’s that popular slang again? πŸ€”.

The one that smelt it dealt it

I believe that it has alternate applications. The one it was revealed to has a responsibility to.

Let me illustrate with a story. Once when I was fighting with God, exam period, University days I had an argument with one of my closest friends, Ife over a textbook or a notebook. I don’t remember the cause of the fight, I just know it was over a book.

And I hadn’t heard God speak to me in a while. But He spoke that day. He nudged me, told me to go and apologize to my friend because I was wrong. And I went, and she apologized to me too. Because she said, it’s not possible for two people to be angry at the same time and still save their relationship without one apologizing first. If I had not obeyed the leading of God, or if I had delayed unduly, I’m quite sure that the relationship would not be as close as it currently is today.

Another illustration, I have a propensity towards swollen eyes and knowing this and I know that a simple way to halt/reverse the process is simply to lay something very cold against my eye.

Would it not be extremely stupid of me then to neglect my knowledge and instead blame my situation, circumstances or even God for giving me eyes that swell up. 🀷🏽

With knowledge comes a responsibility to apply that knowledge.

That is wisdom. And wisdom is profitable to direct.

Wisdom is profitable to direct.

Regarding REALIZATION number one, the very simple solution God showed me, was to download a To Do list from Google Play Store and pour out everything crowding my mind onto it.

Regarding realization number (2), as much as I really don’t mind that he has stopped reading my Whatsapp statuses, and I’m not going to stalk him, what motivated me to apologize to him were memories of times when I did the exact same thing he did to other people. I mean, why did so much drama/demons come out of me at exam time except if the sole reason it came was to destroy the focus of all my colleagues, classmates, friends?

I see that he is still friendly with the people who came out of it with knowledge but not outwardly expressed hurt. Good for him. Thumbs up πŸ‘πŸ½. To him and them. I’m a very big fan of having friends in the workplace.

But I am very sensitive and you will NOT lay your shit on me without consequences, no matter what form it may come as. Freeze out, very long and loud yelling, extreme annoyance forever afterwards. I consign myself to the first mostly. The deep freeze. But there is another way, a better way.

Regarding that relationship, I’ve apologized, it was revealed to me that I was wrong so I took the responsibility of going to apologize. But that apology gave me a freedom, from what I thought, from painful memories, from a binding to someone I was never meant to be bound to. And I’m free. Whatever he does now, does not concern me. All emotional ties have been broken. Hallelujah, Our God reigns… Hands lifted up, eyes closed, head bowed πŸ˜πŸ’•

Regarding realization number three, I ask nothing but your prayers.

Have a great day!

I wish all of you, warm hugs, full pockets and lots of laughter.

Peace out! *mic drop*

God loves you Obianuju

(20) The Myth of the pretty/beautiful girl (1)

Am I a pretty girl?

Well, my mind said I was, because so many grown ass men were following me, trying to trip me up whenever I was running, sexually assaulting me, trying to fall on me so they could tap current. So very many men. More than even I, with all my “mind excavation” can recall.

At last count I remembered 13 instances. Please, ejo, let’s leave it there. I don’t want to remember anymore.

But with my mind telling me I was a fine girl, a beautiful girl, omalicha was the undercurrent of dirtiness. Of shame in my beauty, of a need to hide and a need to fear. To escape notice.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows – James 1:17

It’s so pervasive, or maybe it was only pervasive to me, but as I grew up, there were so many instances of people, books, movies etc predicting “my future”. Or what they wanted me to do, say and be.

We have all, well mostly, but ALL is more dramatic, heard of this statement or this belief, that a pretty/beautiful/ well endowed girl is sexually loose or immoral. She HAS to be. πŸ™„πŸ˜’

So we forsake grace, we forsake kindness, we forsake peace and become threatened by the beauty of another person.

Threats lead to fear and fear leads to foolishness (paraphrased Pastor Michael Todd).

We become very suspicious. Judgmental. Gossipy. Seeking to hide what is not ours to be hidden. We’ve all (remember my earlier point aboveπŸ‘†πŸΌ) heard the phrase, “Modest is Hottest” πŸ™„ or “you need to ask your male relatives to rate what you put on before you step out of the house” or “pretty girls shouldn’t be out after 5pm” etc etc πŸ˜€πŸ˜ πŸ˜•

1 John 4:18 (NIV)

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (Sourced from Bible Gateway)

And all the while, this person is watching, listening, INTERNALIZING.
And in my mind, I felt like I was unworthy, unloved, bound, like I had to follow in one of the paths written for me, get married too early (before I knew what marriage would require), become promiscuous, become sexually immoral, a liar or a manipulator, a liar etc etc etc.

But, and this is why you need a relationship with the Holy Spirit, He showed me a better way. To live. To be. To do. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

I once read a Devotional by Joni Eareckson Tada and she mentioned that the phrase/confession/statement of faith, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me does not necessarily mean that we should do EVERYTHING, just that which God has CALLED us to do.

That revelation has guided me through a lot of confusion and anxiety.

How I be looking at the devil. Satan is a liar

I don’t have to follow in one of the paths everyone has predetermined for me, I can live in my purpose, I can be what God has called me to be, I can be single and happy, I can be single above age 30 and not go to Shiloh or Redeemed Christian Church to lay on the floor crying and begging God for a “ozzband”, I can be whatever I want to be in Christ.

That is the freedom God gives me. Freedom from my past. Freedom to craft my own future.

I am beautiful, on the inside and on the outside and I will let this little light of mine, this plenty beauty, this calling, shine for all the world to see.

I am worthy.

I am whole.

I am loved.

*

You are worthy.

You are whole.

You are loved.

*

Song recommendations:

1. Freedom is Here – Hillsong United.

2. Latter will be Greater – Israel and New Breed.

3. Law of Confession – Donald Lawrence

4. Strong Tower – Nathaniel Bassey.

Beautiful!
Loved
Gorgeous. Worthy. Loved. Beautiful. Kind. Whole. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful!

(19) Thanking My Scars: Bad Advice (1) Ep. 4

Dear people of the world wide web!

I hope your weekend was restful and awesome. That you had lots of laughs and tons of fun.

****

Today, I’d like to thank the scars of bad advice. Of extremely, extraordinarily stupid advice that hurt way more than it ever helped anyone.

Once upon a time time, in a fictional land called Lagos, Nigeria 😜 *insert Salama Mohammed pursed lips here*

Aswear, this woman’s facial expressions alone are comedy gold.

B2P (Back to point), once upon a time, many people gave me some really bad, terrible, horrific advice.

And as this was taking place when I was very vulnerable to anything and everything, this advice was devastating to me and any self confidence that I had managed to amass.

And as these people were supposed to be Christians, it hurt on many different levels.

*
http://www.myilluminare.com/marriage-divination/

Please read thisπŸ‘†πŸΌwhen you have a chance. Thank you *

Then later on, I realized that people’s perceptions were what shaped them, shaped the way they saw themselves, the way they saw the world in relation to them and others.

And I resolved upon further discovery of the Bible and especially Jesus’s teachings (do you know that Jesus did not let a bad word be said in His presence without rejecting or rebuking it?), to rebuke any word spoken over my life whether offered by friends or family or strangers.

If it did not correlate with my plans and goals for the future, I would reject it. We see so many examples of it everyday.

A stupid image expressly designed to cause a lot of panic, in the guise of “spreading information”, the very many Whatsapp doctors saying don’t eat sugar, don’t eat meat, don’t eat vegetables, don’t eat fruits, don’t drink water and you won’t get cancer. πŸ˜±πŸ™„ Of course you won’t get cancer, because you will be dead. Dead and dehydrated!

Clearly this human being was born in January πŸ™„

I was reading a favorite blog of mine; https://drnsmusings.wordpress.com/2014/05/27/return-to-sender/ and she said something, “… prophecy (advice) should edify” and also The Bible says to cast down imaginations and to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5)

So I will not be single with 7 cats, thank you very much. Maybe one cat. Maybe one dog. There’s nothing wrong with it, the much popularized myth of the crazy cat lady but on principle, I reject it.

I will not be divorced twice, I will not be poor, I will not be unhappy, I will not be depressed, I will not be in prison, I will not be married to Idris Elba (can you imagine, all the people born in February married to one, ONE man *shudders* can never be me.

Rather I will be successful, happy, a billionaire, happily single or happily married, I will eat and enjoy my food, I will be wealthy, I will be proactive. I will be happy.

My life is what I choose to make of it. And I choose to make my life a beautiful one. I choose to WIN!!!

But if you refuse to serve the Lord , then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord .”
Joshua 24:15 NLT

😘

(18) Preparation + Blessings = Happy, Loving Families

This is the continuation of this post.

The thought I forgot to complete in that last post was basically this: You, more than absolutely anyone else except God; who can see the future and can guide you, if you’d let him, know what is the very best for you in every situation.

Where you want/need to be in your life before you start dating, before you have children.

Please do not outsource your thinking on any subject, on absolutely any topic before you make sure it’s the best decision for you, in your particular circumstances and for any children you may have been blessed with.

Children are a blessing. Children are a blessing. Children are a blessing.

Children are a blessing and their mental health, their physical health, their emotional health and well-being must be prioritized in every case where there is a fissure in the marriage.

Also, the “right” marriages are a blessing to the participants, their parents and to everyone who sees it or is directly blessed by it.

Marriages are covenants between two people and God, for Christian marriages. And the biggest blessings God can offer a marriage is/are children.

Even when single, the biggest blessings God can offer you are your children.

Even when in pain, even riddled with anxiety, when everything is going wrong and you’re afraid, they are still God’s biggest and best blessings.

I am pro choice but I’m now leaning towards the pro life movement, but I’m not there yet. I’d like to be there, but what about the women that are carrying the children in cases of forced pregnancies? In cases of criminal sexual assault, in cases of people taking advantage of the helpless?

Whatever you do, just make sure you and the child are safe. No matter what. Look into adoption services as well if you were considering an abortion. Please.

You are the biggest blessing God has given someone too, past, present. it doesn’t seriously matter. You are a blessing.

But something a lot of people do not realize, is that once you make a decision within yourself to have children, you owe those future children a responsibility to study and learn everything about child rearing.

Everything. Absolutely everything.
Christian/Alternative parenting styles, the five love languages of children, of teenagers, of men and women, how to teach children financial responsibility, how to recognize symptoms of sexual assault/abuse, how to properly nurture them.

However, you also owe yourself a responsibility to represent what you teach and tell them every blessed day.

And, once you make a decision to get married, you owe yourself and your future spouse the responsibility to study ahead. To know the love languages of men and women. To know when God blesses you with them, how to take care of them, how to nurture them, how to PROPERLY love and respect them.

He who finds a wife finds a good thing for her worth is far above rubies, and obtains favour from the Lord. And she who finds a husband, a MAN who does not push her beyond what she can handle spitefully, does not test her limits every day and values her above everything, finds something worth more than rubies and obtains the favour of the Lord too.

I mentioned this to a friend of mine recently, that just because people are stressing you about marriage does not mean that you yourself are ready to be married.

Just because you can have children does not mean that you necessarily should. You owe everything you undertake the courtesy of adequate preparation. Every blessing. Every gift. Every new job.

Let me use this analogy, do you get a new car and just start driving it without learning first how to drive a car? No, because you need to learn how cars work. It’s the same thing with people. People are precious, more so than cars. Why don’t we take the time to study them first?

Those blessings that appear to you just when they are needed, those blessings. Those blessings that seem to come at just the right time. Those ones. You owe yourself the duty to prepare to receive them. To be worthy of them.

And I’m preparing. I just hope my future husband is as well.

(17) Top 10 books I read in 2018

I read everyday, all the time, some days. Reading is a way of life. I read when I’m on the toilet seat, in a bus, in bed. Paperbacks, hardcover or ebooks. I read them all. I read approximately 400 books in the year 2018 but the books on this list are my top 10 favorites. They include fiction, non-fiction, biographies, celebrity memoirs and self help. And they are all worth a read, I promise you. (I submitted this article to Patabah Bookstore’s blog a couple of months ago and till date, they haven’t published it. So, I’m carrying my L and coming to post it on my own blog)

1. Joyce Meyer- Battlefield of the Mind:This book was one of the gifts from my uncle for my Law school graduation. I delayed reading it until August last year. It was, it is transformational. It made me shiver, it challenged me, how I thought about things, how I thought about people.Here are some quotes from the book:”Think about what you are thinking about””One of the greatest revelations of my life is: I can choose my thoughts and think things on purpose. In other words, I don’t have to just think about whatever falls into my mind.“”You’re not crazy if you talk to yourself. In fact, your thoughts are β€œtalking” to you all the time. And the way you talk to yourself is one of the most important things in your life. You can never get beyond what you thinkβ€”especially what you think of yourself.”
I remember having this determination that someday, I would do something great. It would rise up in my heart at times when I was told I would never be anyone or do anything“I gave this book to a friend I was worried about and she sent me a message crying and thanking me. If you have not read this book, please purchase it and read it. It is transformational.

2. Cheryl Strayed: Tiny Beautiful Things- I got to know of this book via a Twitter recommendation. It’s a selection of advice columns and it is extremely relatable. I was once in a crisis situation and it’s completely true what people say about not knowing how much strength you do have until being strong is your only option, other than killing yourself, that is. That strength is not something that I can explain. It’s not something I have had cause to puzzle myself to replicate. It just appears. But if I had a friend who was in a crisis situation and was looking to me for strength, even if I couldn’t explain how I got through sufficiently to them, I can always point them in the direction of this book and say, hey, I know you are in Pain right now, inexplicable, terrifying pain. You’re not on Planet earth right now, you’re on Planet I failed my examination or Planet Major Depression or even Planet My tooth hurts but I don’t have enough money to fix it. I’m sorry about that but while you should mourn, you should also encourage yourself to get better.This book is lovely. Take it from me.

3. Meg Jay- The Defining DecadeI once watched Meg Jay give a TED talk. I go back to that talk constantly. But it was only until this year that I realized that she had written a book as a follow up or is it the other way around.

I knew I had to have the book and wow, this book. OhEmGee. Wow. This book resonated so much with me. This book had me crying and laughing, making copious notes and preparing for my future. This book is so so amazing. And it is worth every penny. I’ll leave you with this amazing quote from the book- “Forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. Do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that’s an investment in who you might want to be next.”

4. Kevin Kwan: Crazy Rich AsiansI had quite some trouble deciding which one should be my fourth recommendation and which should be the fifth. But this quote, and the fact that there were 2 more books for me to read within an 18 hour period decided it for me.”… all that talk of β€œbeing in love” or β€œfinding the right one” was absolute nonsense. Marriage was purely a matter of timing, and whenever a man was finally done sowing his wild oats and ready to settle down, whichever girl happened to be there at the time would be the right one.“And the opening scene of the book, wow! Able God, shower your blessings oh.

5. Trevor Noah: Born a CrimeThis book slayed me. I know most people read it a long time ago but it wasn’t until last year that I finally got around to reading it. And it did not disappoint. Just look at these quotes:”People love to say, β€œGive a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime.” What they don’t say is, β€œAnd it would be nice if you gave him a fishing rod.” That’s the part of the analogy that’s missing.”And this one “We spend so much time being afraid of failure, afraid of rejection. But regret is the thing we should fear most. Failure is an answer. Rejection is an answer. Regret is an eternal question you will never have the answer to

6. Gabrielle Union- We’re going to need more wineIf you saw me reading this book, I forgive you for being confused as to my personality. This book made me laugh, it made me weep, and it left me feeling raw. Especially the chapter, Code 529 and how she talks about how she can never sit with her back facing the door. PSA: The aftermath of sexual assault and violence is a very complicated process in multifarious ways. And if you remain unsure of who to believe, it’d do a lot of good for you to restrain yourself from making any damning comments either way while you make up your mind.Quotes: “Still, I struggle with the questions: Does this wig mean I’m not comfortable with my blackness? If I wear my hair natural, do I somehow become more enlightened? It is interesting to see the qualities ascribed to women who their hair in braids or in natural hairstyles, even among black people. We have so internalized the self-hatred and the demands of assimilation that we ourselves don’t know how to feel about what naturally grows out of our head.” (pg. 51, β€œBlack Girl Blues”)How are we supposed to give them all the knowledge, all the power, and all the pride that we can, and then ask them to be subservient when it comes to dealing with the police? β€˜This is how you have to act in order to come home alive.’
It’s an age-old us against -us oversimplification, that boils down to the belief that the lighter your skin tone, the more valuable and worthy you are. The standard of beauty and intelligence, that has historically been praised by the oppressor, has been adopted by the oppressed.”She also talked about having 9 miscarriages but considering the fact that she now has Kaavia James Union Wade, her daughter, I think all the pent up pain went, gone with the wind.

7. Kelley Armstrong – Cainsville Series (Omens, Visions, Deceptions, Betrayals, Rituals) I got turned on to Kelley Armstrong books in 2013. Her books are usually paranormal romance including vampires, werewolves, shamans. I do not know why exactly but I love the concept. But this is a departure from her usual style of writing. I picked up the first book in the Cainsville series; Omens and to my surprise, I found myself returning, again and again to finish the rest.

8. Tomie Balogun: Investment Clubs: How to create wealth beyond your payThis book is fantastic. It’s a how to guide on investment clubs, a concept I had no idea about until I saw the title of this book.If you want to invest more this year, get this book.

9. Stephanie Obi: Knowledge is the new gold.This book is a cheat sheet for the creation of online courses. Stephanie Obi is a great motivator, encourager and total boss lady. If you have thought about creating an online course but you’re stumped on how to, this book is my recommendation for you

10. Sophie Amoruso: GirlbossLast but not least, I truly wish I could adequately portray my feelings about this book. I was just so surprised that so many of the thoughts I’d had were shared by others. It’s a lovely read, short too. Perhaps, give it a try?

(16) THE TREATMENT

When everything came bubbling out, I went, emotionally, mentally from Bruce Banner to the Incredible Hulk. I was angry, all the time. Even when I was crying, I was angry, even when I was eating, I was enraged. Even when I was walking, one of the only things guaranteed to make me let go of my anger and fear, I would be so angry, I would be screaming into the wind. That’s another aspect too: I would wake up some days screaming, other days crying. On other days, I wouldn’t be able to speak.

I felt like I was in a race between me and myself and the prize was my life. Because it was clear to me, clear to my parents, clear to everyone that I couldn’t go on the way I was going on. But there was still nobody willing to listen to me. They knew all about it. But I had been holding it in for 10 years at that point and I wanted to talk about it more than once. More thoroughly than someone telling me, “okay, we have heard. Ndo. Now stop talking about it”. Why did I have to stop talking about it?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll undoubtedly say it many more times, Evil and indescribable pain lurk in places where people want you to be silent. To let it go. No, I want to talk about it and by God you will listen. You will listen to my grievances, you will listen to my mammoth sized rage, you will listen to my terror. You will fucking listen. Because there has been too many years where I woke up from sleep and wanted to cut my wrists and feel my blood flowing out. There have been too many days when I flirted with thoughts of suicide. A huge truck is coming. Just step in front of it, and your problems will be over.

I unpacked my mind thoroughly. I love(d) psychology. Encarta was my favorite database when I was growing up and I’d always gravitate to articles about psychology and mental health. I loved reading articles on psychology.

And now I had a chance to practice. On myself. From my diagnosis, I found that I had severe anxiety, the manic depression was caused by severe stress and there were “tinges” of schizophrenia. All for me. You shouldn’t have. The perfect cocktail of mental health issues.

You could claim you have diabetes and you need insulin. Just stockpile the insulin for a couple of days, then buy a syringe and an intravenous needle. You’ll be dead in no time. Clearly, I had a lot of resentment buried too.

I was screaming and screeching at God and I firmly believe that is what saved my life. The Saviour who dared to cut me (paraphrased T.D Jakes. YouVersion plan. Crushing it: God Turns Pressure into Power)

I love walking. In the darkness, when the sun goes behind the clouds, my favorite thing to do is take a walk, bottle of water in hand. I was walking around Ikeja, near under bridge (I actually do not remember how or why I got there, it remains a blur) one such time when I saw the book for the first time. The title immediately grabbed my attention.
The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer. It was applicable as I was having a severe crisis of confidence. And I knew that if I wanted to make myself over, break me down and build me up again, there’d be a new slate.

And I could make myself, the perfect version of me that I was always meant to be. So I bought the book. And having a new purpose, I decided to stop thinking about death, stop craving death and start working on my life.

It is and it remains some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. Ever. I used to set goals for myself, U-U smile at everyone today. U-U have a conversation with your mom/dad today, a friendly conversation and leave whenever it degenerates into anger or she tries to emotionally manipulate you. U-U, forgive yourself today. U-U forgive your parents, your friends, and Uncle Asshole today. U-U write the story of what Uncle Sunday Asshole did and share it with everyone. U-U, when someone upsets you, unleash all hell on the person. U-U, unleashing hell made you feel terrible, shebi. Now go and apologize. And from now on, learn how to correct people in love. (Still learning this lesson). U-U, celebrate your birthday on Saturday this year. Invite lots of people. Did your brother say he wants to save your ice cream cake for his friends? Let him do it. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t pay for it. Let him do it. Buy 3 cakes for yourself, you have been through the storm, you have been through the fire, you have come out of it alive. Celebrate. Things will get better for you when you believe truly that it will get better.

An uncle, whom Nebolisa was named for invited me and Nonso to spend a day with him. He took us out to Ice Cream Factory, bought us food, distracted Nonso with more food and ice cream and took me into his office where he had a very candid conversation with me where we unpacked yet more problems and yet more resentment. But at the end of that day, I was quicker to smile. And I was hopeful. Sometimes, just sharing how angry you are with someone who has a pre-existing relationship with you and your family greatly helps you feel understood, appreciated and hopeful.

I started playing Maroon 5’s She will be loved. Continuously. In addition to all the other songs Joy and Ife put on my phone or recommended to me. The only songs I used to listen to in that period were songs that made me either angry or very angry or depressed. But I started listening to happier music.

I once read a book; This song will save your life (Leila Sales). The songs that saved my life were Hillsong’s mix, 116 Clique’s Man Up Anthem (it’s non-gendered abeg), Lecrae’s More but in that period, most especially Hillsong’s Freedom is Here.

If you read the 2015 review, you might have guessed that I completed my self imposed treatment in February. But I definitely did not. It was a continuous process and journey. And I’m still not finished. It’s gotten a lot easier especially as the raw points of my pain, anxiety and anger were covered. But I’m not finished with it yet.

With the help of the Holy Spirit, I identified 5 major areas where my thoughts were perverted.

1. God: I truly believed at a point that God hated me. He’d have liked me to become a martyr. I once asked him, that if He could transfer the breath in my body to someone else, why wouldn’t He just do it? Because I was tired of living with his disappointment and disapproval. I would keep to our agreement. 6 months. But if he wanted to hasten my death, it was fine by me. Martyr behavior something πŸ™„.

2. Family and Friends: The lessons I learnt in pain were not so easy to unlearn. I felt like no matter what, I couldn’t count on anyone but my self. And that is a very painful belief. A very limiting belief in addition. It began to dissolve when the Holy Spirit showed me how Joy, one of my closest friends was sacrificing her time to go buy me lunch and make sure I ate it. It was in how my big brother finally listened as I unloaded so many years of pain and bought me jumbo sized Skittles and a carton of grapes. In how my parents were taking unprecedented levels of care and concern in my life; my dad was buying me shawarma, nkwobi, asun. In how my mom let me rest my head on her lap and kept on stroking my hair and calling her brothers and my dad’s sisters to tell them to describe how they loved me so much. My friends and family were there for me. And I didn’t have to be strong anymore. I could let it go. Because someone was always on hand to pray for me. Someone was always checking up on me.

3. Money: There was a reason behind why I started to check my motives for giving money in the first place. And a reason I hardly give out money of my own direct capability anymore. I speak too much big English. What I mean to say, is I rarely give money or provisions in such a way that people know it came from me. I prefer giving it to a church and watching them/being absent when they distribute it.

4. Sex: I’m not saying anything in detail about this oh. But I had a lot of miscommunication and misconceptions regarding sex and Wikipedia, girl’s/boys magazines, secular and Christian romance novels have helped me to clear it up. Still a work in progress but I’m nearing the end of my target goal regarding my beliefs and where I need to be. Please if you are following my game plan pro forma, ask yourself; is there anything/situation/relationship that would cause you to sin against God/your own body at the current moment? To decide whether or not to read a secular or a Christian romance novel. It’s very key.

5. Hope: There’s a verse in the Bible (1st Corinthians 13:13) that says: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. I completely disagreed with that verse in that period of my life. Wholeheartedly disagreed. At that time the greatest struggle for me was believing that better things were ahead of me. Better things were coming for me. There was too much happening in my life at that moment in time and I just needed quiet and peace in my soul. And hope, hope that everything would get better. Hope that my nightmares and night terrors would turn into good dreams and my irritation with every human being in the world would morph into a calm, a silence borne of peace, tranquility and the ability to actively ignore anything and anyone that did not serve my purpose, my goals or my pocket.

I unpacked everything. And at the end of it, I would feel so tired. Super exhausted. My speech and elocution improved greatly (I used to get very easily tangled up over my words and unable to get them out in time when someone was waiting for me to speak. Oooh, I just realized, (the angel of) God did this same thing to Zechariah!)

I got so much sleep in that period. No bad dreams, no night terrors, I finally retired the small knife I was keeping under my pillow back to its spot in the kitchen. I felt safe. In my house, in multifarious family members’ houses. My godparents house. My friend’s houses.

Thank you God for bringing me to the realization that I’m where/at the place I wanted to be all along.
There is nothing you cannot accomplish once you set your mind to it. And ask for God’s help.

Peace be with all of you! Hugs and 😘.