(12) Like a compass points due north…

A man on Twitter said this:

And I’m grateful I took the time to read through this because well, this was my response, embellished:

I fully agree with this message. Except for the fact that he didn’t blame the man himself for not “keeping his fly” private property.

Instead, he found a way to blame the wife. πŸ™„ Prime stupidity. 😰

Men will not die if they take responsibility for their decision to cheat.

And it’s not the woman’s fault, EVER, if her husband decides to cheat on her. She is the victim here.

When I was working through the “sex” portion of my self imposed therapy, this thought kept on coming to me. Why is it that in Nigeria, whenever a man cheats, we blame the/a woman?

It doesn’t have to be his wife. It can be the side chick. The wife is advised and told to take him back. To maintain the home.

And she lives, terrified of a recurrence. She tries to improve on her sex game especially if the man she’s married to is a bastard who makes her feel like it’s her fault he cheated so she struggles hard to lose weight, become more attractive and all the while there’s a nagging sense of deserving a better husband that she won’t let out because, “don’t expose his shame to outsiders”.

“If he provides for you/takes care of you, I don’t see why you’re so worried about it. All African men cheat. As long as he comes back home to you, it’s okay. Go back home. I’ll talk with him about his behavior” or “I don’t know why you are complaining. My husband has been cheating on me since, but every week I make sure we have sex, I cook his food very well. Wash his clothes by hand”

“He can’t replace me. All I want now are children and God gave you children. Stay for them. A wise woman builds her home” and all other Nigerian women euphemisms for suffering in silence. πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

Does anyone realize how foolish this advice is to someone with common sense?

You are basically diminishing yourself. Everyday. It’s like you’re thinking, how can I demean myself further so my husband will finally realize that he doesn’t need to go out and cheat, that I am all the doormat he needs? πŸ€”

The first time a man cheats, she has the sympathy/support of everyone she tells. The stupid advice too.

The second time, that sympathy & support… wanes greatly.

The third time, someone says things like, “he has done this before. There’s no need to watch him any more, he’s established a pattern already”.

Do you know how it feels to be replaced? When you’re not even dead? Do you know how heart breaking it is? How soul crushing it can be? How angry you feel?

I pray, I sincerely pray that you never find out how terrible it feels.
How soul crushing, how worthless you feel afterwards. Looking into the face of your “beloved”. The one who promised to love, honor and cherish you. And knowing that for however long he had his fly unzipped and made it public property, shared what you believed was exclusively yours outside, that he/she wasn’t loving and honoring you. He didn’t care about you or anything about you. Until he got caught, that is, at which point, it became the devil’s work. The devil in this case being a woman or sometimes a man.

And so, we switch our hatred to a woman we’ve never seen. We hate her. And want to tell everyone about it. But no one wants to listen to our pain. Everyone is carrying some of their own.

And so, Joro Olumofin, Stella Dimoko Korkus and break_or_makeup’s page gets a new enraged commenter who shames women, victim blames and does everything possible to hurt everyone else, because they did not deal with the root cause of their pain in the beginning.

The cheating husband. The broken vows. The rage it inspired. They didn’t deal with it.

Today I have a challenge for you: Deal with it. Whatever it is. Start dealing with it.

I read Gary Chapman’s book recently: “Hope for the Separated” please go read it too.

And though my pride tells me, that cheating husbands should not be taken back, given the time of day ever again and although he gave some advice that my soul disagreed with instanteously, like how all marriages can be made whole again, including marriages where there was violence or sexual abuse of children. Really? Seriously? (I’m not excusing the work of God in your lifeπŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„, he did say something that I fully agree with and will now reiterate; Love does not mean acceptance all the time. Sometimes the way you can show love best is by saying to your partner, “I will not tolerate these behavior. from you anymore”. Go and work on yourself first, I will work with you if you ask but I will not enable your behavior anymore”.

Because that’s what women are doing when they don’t talk about it. They’re enabling men to continue to do it to them again and again and again.

Then they start blaming other women for being seductive enough, for having big breasts, for being outside late at night, as though 4/5/6/7/8pm is the official curfew for women and young girls and we should know all this magically and not be surprised if something happens to us after those times. πŸ˜‘

We get victim blaming on a massive scale, we get bosses who hate their female staff members and they never know or understand what motivates the hate.

That staff member will go on to share the story of how women don’t support each other and a man will jump up all over it.

The global struggle between men and women. Feminism VS. Patriarchy. Rinse and repeat.

And isn’t that the crux of it?

Khaled Hosseini said in a Thousand Splendid Suns, “Like a compass points north, a man’s accusing finger always finds a woman”. And every day I see examples of it. πŸ‘€

Men blaming women for the fact that a man cheated on them. Grown men claiming that 6/7/8 year old children seduced them, a 54 year old man rapes a 5 year old and the media reports it in such a way that the victim is blamed and the man can be quickly forgiven and we let it happen. All the time. We let it happen because we don’t stand up and protest. Because we don’t boycott newspapers with shitty headlines. Because we say things like “boys will be boys” and then when the boys grow into adulthood, “that’s how African/Latino/Caucasian men are”

Like we couldn’t have trained them while they were still boys! πŸ˜’πŸ˜€

But we’re getting better.

Very recently a newspaper, The Daily Trust had their article vilified across Twitter because of the headline. I’m not sure if someone organized a boycott, but I hope they did.

Look at the problematic headline:

Better, I hope

I’d love to believe that we can be better than this. Better than blaming one woman for causing the replacement of another. Better than the emotional manipulation implied in that tweet.

Better than stripping a woman naked in public.

Better. Be better. Be better. Be better. Make a conscious thought everyday to be better. Make a conscious effort to be better.
Better than you were yesterday, better than you were today. Better every day. It starts with you.

I’ll repeat it for you again, this time in bold face.

Better. Be better. Be better. Be better. Make a conscious thought every day to be better. Make a conscious effort to be better.
Better than you were yesterday, better than you were today. Better every day. It starts with you.

Thank you for reading!

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(11) Tufiakwa

πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

My thoughts:

I am not angry at this article per se. I am angry that Nigerians still glorify and romanticize poverty and suffering.

And now they have passed the “suffering glorification” baton to a white woman who lives in Amsterdam with a Nigerian husband. Would she glorify it so much if she lived here, I wonder πŸ€”.

I understand her point. I truly do. But you can’t claim it makes sense to anyone with a logical mind. Ko wole.

A government is supposed to provide infrastructure, it’s supposed to seek to help, seek to serve its citizens before election time comes around with all the frenzy and violence associated with elections in this country.

This government, I’ve noticed relies very heavily on propaganda, threats of violence, insults, cheap tricks and fake news to win the continued support of its followers.

The Minister of Power, Babatunde Fashola said in a statement that some Nigerian states have almost constant electricity.

Electricity has been (very) good in these parts, I’m not denying it. But for the last 2 months, we have suffered extended bouts of darkness. 5 days last month. 8 days this month. I tend to sweat through my clothes even when I have both my ceiling and rechargeable standing fan switched on. Imagine the torment during that extended period of darkness. πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜§πŸ˜°πŸ˜§

They fixed the problem last week Friday. But it will not surprise me very much if the problem recurs next month. Because that’s how it is in this country. Suffering Olympics everywhere.

But I wonder, how long do we have to wait before Nigeria gets the kind of leadership that doesn’t wait until 8 months before an election year to introduce policies that benefit the population?

Ganduje. Audu Ogbeh (what world is that man living in. I’d like to apply for a visa to that dream land). The Minister of Health. Osinbajo. Buhari. Tinubu. Are all complicit in this dance of fools.

I’m tired of this country. Nobody should ever have to live for 2 weeks without electricity. Nobody should be so stressed out and exhausted they fall asleep behind the wheel of their car at 11AM. Nobody should be denied sleep because their neighbors generators won’t allow for silence.

This post needs to be thrown into the dustbin. Nigeria should aspire to be better than it currently is.

(10) The need for Emotional Intelligence

One of my friends posted a picture on Whatsapp.

I copied it here and these were my contributions:

#Copied. But I spent a lot of years wondering about the same thing. You a grown ass human being.
(Let women) leave that my husband is my crown, my man is the head and I am the neck bullshit with our parents generation. 😀 It has already been proven not to work. There are so many stories. So much toxicity.

So many weak men who haven’t finished growing up, depending on women to cover and keep covering their shame and their stupidity. And then returning to the same toxicity time and time again.

Everyone: free advice here, go and learn, possibly master the skill of Emotional Intelligence. You can’t come and be stressing my life. I can still remember 2014 and 2015 when I fought the hardest battle of my life to build a life worth keeping. A life that uplifted people. It was a daily struggle. But it was worth it. And I won’t now come and join myself up to a man who diminishes me and my hard won happiness under the guise of “love and support” according to the Nigerian society.

Grow up. Men. Women. Everybody. All of you. Yes, I don vex too.

Photo Credit: Amanda Oleander. Sourced off Twitter.
Photo Credit: Amanda Oleander. Sourced off Twitter.

(9) Sunlight

… No, not the detergent 😁

I read a post online, and I immediately shared it on my Whatsapp status.

And here are my thoughts. I thought you might appreciate my views here too 😊

Have a great weekend ahead!

Kisses and hugs to all of you πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

(8) Smile more πŸ™„πŸ˜’

As a teenager, I sometimes; mostly to be very honest, thought of my resting bitch face as a curse. Why couldn’t people see that I was a warm hearted person inside?

Why do people feel the need to warn their friends who might have become my boyfriends away from me?

But now, as I catalogued the advantages and disadvantages of this face, I can categorically say, thank God for this face.

Thank God that I had a natural barrier from people asking me stupid ass questions.

Thank God for the boyfriends and relationships that never were.

I found my tribes at many different places and different times eventually and they took the time to know who I really was.

The right blessings at the wrong times will seem like a curse. Lesson learned. Lesson very much appreciated.

(7) Shake “it” off

I believe a key no one talks about much in personhood is finding your own voice, knowing what you actually stand for and then disciplining yourself to listen and shut up when it is time to. Or when people annoy you.

I listened to Pastor Michael Todd’s Relationship series last year and in one of his messages, he said “What owns you?” and it got me thinking, “What owns me? What am I known for?

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
Galatians 5:22 & 23 NLT

And someone I respect a lot said/tweeted this message “… Everytime someone on the internet says something stupid to me I type my response in my notepad and move on. I refuse to be caught dancing with internet pigs in a mud pool.”

And I realized that I was heading down a path contrary to the one in the Bible verse italicized above. It’s difficult for me to do it, I have strong opinions on so many things and when I read someone else’s opinion denigrating my gender, my intended economic bracket, my way of life, I want to defend it and myself at all costs.

But the key to self discipline begins with closing your mouth sometimes. Letting irritants pass/tweet through sometimes. I still remember the story of that girl that was rejoicing over an internship to NASA online and swearing. And when someone corrected her, she was kinda rude. And then he told her that he was basically her supervisor’s supervisor and the internet wept with her. #NigeriaDecides2019, which caused me so much anxiety and stress, I was crying and worrying until I decided that I wasn’t going to anymore.

Just like a baby. Source unknown (From Twitter though)

Or the scandal of Khloe Kardashian and Jordyn Woods (a story that broke my heart, because although I don’t keep up with the Kardashian/Jenner clan so much anymore, I remembered that I liked Jordyn so much and that Khloe was such a sweetheart). It hurt me to realize that I would have to choose. And the internet bashed Jordyn, bashed her so much I’m sure she must have considered suicide. And then when Jordyn came on the Red Table Talk, everyone started supporting her instead of Khloe. I personally think Khloe and her BFFs and Kim her sister were super mean girls. But imagine if I had gone on record bashing Jordyn? How much shame would I feel?

Chris Brown was accused this year of rape. And then a week later, amid the firestorm and the fury, it was reported that the “rape” was concocted by a woman and never actually happened.

The internet is very often a swamp. There are so many beautiful things that happen in the swamp but more often than not, it is just an avenue for pigs to wrestle with each other.

And I am not a pig. I do not have the energy, the inclination or the time to expend on pointless discussions.

I have come to realize that some people are biased in favor of their opinions and nothing will ever get them to budge, I have come to realize that personal experiences, professional obligations are the lens of the perspectives we hold.

That’s okay by me.

I won’t force any issue. I will still write threads explaining my views, threads refuting views, in the case of threats or insulting behavior directed at me I will not back down, in the case of threats, insulting, misogynistic behavior directed at others I will mute or block. But I will not, ever allow myself to be known for being cantankerous or for wrestling with internet pigs.

It’s not worth it for something that does not put money into my pocket or give me any appreciable benefits.

The same person I respect so much (Glory Osei; tweeted this earlier this year):

Be deliberate about avoiding any information that doesn’t support the person you want to become.

Selective intelligent interactions only.

If being deliberate requires you to social media cleanse for a while, do it. If it requires you to just see stupid nonsense and keep your opinion to yourself, go right ahead. If the social media mania has you thinking, I need to get off this app for a few days but I need to run a campaign etc, there’s Buffer, Planoly etc for your benefit.

Nothing keeps you chained down, more than your own opinions. And my opinion this time, is that I am going to soar this year. And all years following it, because once you master self discipline, the sky is wide open for you!