Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn

Hi everyone,

(Adaezenwa, you especially)

*This post is all over the place. Try to read. Try to understand. Try to leave some feedback if you read and understood. Just try.

Since I was born, my greatest struggle has been with apathy. I can work really hard for something and the second I get it, I feel no pride, no sense of achievement, just a wish to be left alone. I could say it’s because of my brother’s many illnesses and eventual death, but I really don’t want to be someone who blames their childhood for everything they ever go through. It’s massively annoying.

And I just have no more desire to psychoanalyze and research on myself. I have a full notebook of work done for myself and by myself in 2014 where I was both the patient and the psychologist and right now, I don’t want to go back to that. It was as exhausting as all things having to do with the mind are.

One of the major reasons I became a lawyer was so I could ask the questions and not be on the receiving end of the questions being asked. But your family will not let you off the hook so easily, neither will your friends, neither will the people you meet on your blog, asking you at intermittent intervals why you haven’t gotten off your ass to post something for them to read (Side eying Adaezenwa). 
But I understand their points. Really. I pride myself on being a logical person. I pride myself on my ability to think through problems and come up with proper, logical solutions.Which is why I have a problem with being constantly apathetic. It’s so against the idea I have in my head of myself. I remember, I actually went to church to get counseling for it. The pastor in question didn’t, probably couldn’t really help me. He just fixated on one thing out of the many fears I spewed and counselled me about that part. He helped me though, a little bit but now that advice is null and void.

My constant apathy has not gone unnoticed by many people. I have had 2 friends be extremely depressed, and I know the constant fear that comes with the worry about them. The worry that they’ll decide that life is not worth living and seek to end it. The worry that they’ll make stupid decisions. The worry that they won’t give themselves time to see if it can get better. I know the worry. And I know that fear.And I know that some felt that worry and that fear for me.

So I decided to flip it. And get interested. In everything. And everyone. Factual report, that shit gets tiring, fast. And it takes more out of you than you would logically want to give.

For instance, my memory. If you’d asked me a year ago how my memory was, I’d have said it was good, way too good. I could remember everything about someone if I focused on them and talked with them long enough. Full names including middle names, favorite foods, preferred names for future offspring, birthdays (I couldn’t forget a roommate’s dad’s birthday for 3 years. And I never even met the man), likes, dislikes, bad habits, fears. Everything they ever told me even in passing, I’d remember. These days, I have trouble remembering family members’ birthdays. I don’t know when I stopped caring about remembering people but I know I stopped. I’ve chalked it up to consequences of being a fake. So now, I sync people’s birthdays with my Calendar app because, although an eidetic memory for acquaintances’ birthdays and likes and dislikes was impressive, it does not change the fact that I have to remember my family members birthdays.

The title of this post is misleading, really. I thought about naming it, This is what you do when you can’t muster up enough mental energy to care although you’d like to but that name was way too long and then, I remembered the famous last words of Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind, a movie mind you that I have not watched ever, although I did read the book, and it incited my mischievous instincts so I thought, why not that? Res ipsa.

Adaezenwa wrote about prioritizing and a scale of preference in her post and I smiled because I remembered that from Mrs. Ajayi’s economics class. This is my scale of preference.

I will try to remember my family members birthdays and not be so hard on myself for forgetting the birthday of an ex roommate I hardly talk to anymore.

I will try to give more people my number and if said people create a maelstrom of relationship drama after one date, I will not allow myself be caught up in their drama because I am trying to compensate for not having too many relationships or because people want me to get married and start producing children that I cannot yet afford. I am the master of my fate, the captain of my destiny and if I don’t like what I see after a set time, I will give myself the freedom to block their numbers and not feel guilty about it.

I will build up my stock portfolio, my savings and my investment accounts meticulously, I will get a pension account started as soon as possible and I will give to the charities that draw my attention where I can. I will not be guilted into giving anything that I can’t afford because my mind plays tricks on me.

Since I am almost fully bored with Telemundo and TV in general, I will not spend my time exclusively on Wattpad reading books that do not benefit me, instead I will keep downloading and sewing new designs and surprising myself whenever and wherever I can, exercising more regularly, actively starting conversations with friends, getting more online degrees, maybe even writing a Wattpad novel of my own.

I will write more of my thoughts on my blog. Because what is a personal blog where readers are not encouraged to know the owner? And I will not get jealous of or or or or or or because I envy the way they write. Instead I will improve on my content and write in my own rambly, messy way because no amount of envy will change the fact that I have my own unique voice and it is my responsibility to develop it.

I will try to go to church more often, try to evangelize more often, try to live like a true Christian. And shine my light and my life for the God who gave and who gives me everything, even when I really really don’t want or deserve His effort.

I will be a better employee, a better friend, a better role model. A better human being.

And if I come back to this list in the future and find out that I haven’t done as much as I would have liked, I will not give up on it and conclude that my apathy has struck again, I will try again and again until I become the better person I dream of being.


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25 thoughts on “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn

    1. I’ve tracked your activity on my blog. This is your first comment, right? Thanks for breaking your silence. I appreciate that.

  1. Post title was my Twitter bio for over a year. Clark Gable. Another of his quotes, which may/not apply here, but helpful still,
    “The things a man has to have are hope and
    confidence in himself against odds, and
    sometimes he needs somebody, his pal or his
    mother or his wife or God, to give him that
    confidence. He’s got to have some inner
    standards worth fighting for or there won’t
    be any way to bring him into conflict… That’s all there is to it.”
    It popped in my head when I read the bits about rememberance..

    1. Hi Oluchi,
      How are you? How have you been?
      Thanks for reading, thanks for understanding. But most importantly, thanks for commenting. I really really appreciate it.

  2. It’s nice that you really took time to write this. I was wondering why there were no new posts from you yet but thank God you posted. I’ve missed ya!
    Awww @ the mention, I envy the way you write ooo…especially the way you write from the heart, I tried to do it but I couldn’t keep up.
    Welcome back hun.

    1. Thank you Adaeze. And I see you took my advice and you’re now writing a Husband material. Thank you!
      I’m glad to be back. Thanks again. Cyber hugs.

  3. Hi Uju,

    I read this carefully, I didn’t want to miss anything. I mentally stood up and clapped for you when I finished, this is easily one of the most remarkable articles that I have read in a while.

    Your honesty radiates so wonderfully. 🙂

    Whatever the opposite of apathy is might describe me somewhat, I’m excitable and I wear my emotions on my sleeves. Like you, I too will try again and again until I become the better person I dream of being.

    PS: Coincidentally, I watched ‘Gone with the Wind’ a second time in July.

    1. Thank you for commenting on my blog Nedu. And one of the most remarkable? I’m honored to receive that accolade.
      Keep being true to yourself, that’s one of the best things you can do.
      Where did you find that movie? Cos I want to watch it too

  4. You write so, so well.
    You just helped me understand a couple of things I’ve never quite understood about myself. So thank you.
    And thanks for being so open! How are you are you doing?

    1. Thank you. Thank you so much.
      I’m glad something I wrote helped you understand yourself better, I feel we need to accept and understand the person in the mirror before attempting to change the person in the mirror.
      You’re welcome. I’m doing great. A bit tired but in about 8 hours I’ll have a full weekend to get intensely reacquainted with the back or my eyelids. So I’m counting the hours.
      You? How are you?

      1. I hope you got the much needed rest!!
        I’m doing good, not in the best of places at the moment but I believe I’m doing good. Especially because I have an early weekend to look forward to.
        Take care. xx

  5. I feel pretty sad I’m just reading this. I have missed being here, really. Now catching up.

    By the way, I now know how this girl fully mastered my surname.

  6. Fantastic writing Uju. I just woke up this morning saw the link on FB and I was hooked. I’ve just been reading and grinning all the way. It’s simply amazing. I didn’t know your blog has grown this big. More ink to your pen.

    1. Nwachiiii!
      Thank you. Well, by God’s grace it’ll get even bigger. Thank you. Thanks for reading. Thanks for commenting.

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