I don’t like you like that (2015 review)

They say Igbo girls are rude
They hadn’t met me yet
Earlier this year my roommate stared at me
Did I know I had been greeting everybody since we left church?
Most of them were not even answering me

They say it’s good to be nice
It’s a pain in the ass
Thinking, feeling, empathizing with everyone
Now that you’ve been virtually stabbed so many times do you see?
Yes it’s good to be nice but to quote a church service lesson:
Don’t be gooder than Jesus

Nice people have the most friends
Bullshit
I prayed last year for God to send me friends
A lot of the ones I had
I won’t say anything else

Being respectful will take you far
It gave me an ulcer
I kept letting everyone cut in the food queue before me

But this is 2015
Last year I was nice, respectful, empathetic and likable. A vanilla kind of likable. Forgettable.
This year; not so much.

2014 left me with bipolar disorder aka manic depression, a 6 month plan (on the 15th of August I spoke to God. If things didn’t get better in 6 months, I’d walk in front of a truck), a healing freak ulcer, inability to string two sentences together without stuttering or rambling, forgetting my name some days (My name is Obianuju Ayalogu. I am 20 years old), incapable of trusting my own judgment and hurt. Very very hurt. I was crying most nights and making lists most days. I kept a journal and forced myself to write in it every single day. I researched – what is bipolar disorder, psychological profiling, why do I feel this way. I researched – Christian perspectives on depression. Testimonies particularly. I amassed a small library of Christian fiction because I wanted to know how people lived, being Christian in this world.
At the same time I researched ways to kill myself and make it seem accidental. It was as though I was emotionally on gear 5 and on a bend I forgot to change gears and crashed headfirst into a brick wall.

I read and reread Emmanuella Onyilofor’s poem- For those whose hearts are always open. And I knew I was going to fail my Bar Finals before the results even came out. I was at my godparents’. Read Zechariah 8 the instruction came. Trembling I opened my Bible. I prayed against it. I cried. I sowed a seed. October 17, my friends were calling me scared. Supportive messages were flowing in. My phone was switched off. I regrouped at the end of the week. Called my friends and told them the news. Answered the busybodies. Praise God (it’s truly a catchall phrase. There are some people who didn’t realize I’d failed. *shrugs*) A friend took me to see a movie then spoke candidly about how she had failed before. It was going to be alright. I would be fine. (Thank you Aisha!)

Sometime around November (21st I think my worldview changed. I was still showing my pretend happy nice face to the world but it wasn’t so exhausting anymore. Some days I was genuinely happy. I went for Night of Worship with my father in tow. Lol. He spent half the night with his head in his hand. The second half looking at us. We were standing on chairs and holding chairs aloft. I slept sometimes. Then Tasha Cobbs came out and said something I believed was designed specifically to be heard by me. And I was grateful. I wrote in my journal, I think Tasha was talking to me. I think she was talking about me.

2015

January was interesting in many ways. My electric sewing machine packed up on New Year’s Day. 2 tries- it couldn’t be fixed he said. Another day, I was walking down that road in Ikeja, CIPM avenue, when a massive wave of tiredness hit me. I walked slowly, very slowly to Ikeja City Mall to get a bottle of water. Pace yourself. Right leg first. Just one more step. Great. 2 more. You can’t sit down now. One more step. I’ve never forgotten it. I was tired. I was so utterly, ridiculously tired. My confidence was shaking. My energy level was dragging. I wanted to get my water and sit down in a place where the sun was not mercilessly frying everything in sight.
That’s where I met Sayo. Shoprite. I didn’t talk to her, she turned around and asked my opinion on a biscuit she wanted to buy and then she had to go get something she forgot, so she let me go in her place. I got my water, sat down in the food court and drank most of it. Then Sayo approached. She was a very chatty person so it relieved me of the introductory burden of being charming. But she was also a skilled interrogator. Within minutes she knew I was a law student, how many brothers I had, what happened last year etc etc. Sometimes you meet people who say the right things at the right time. And she really did help me. She was a lawyer too and she told me this story that struck so close to home and for the rest of the day I was at peace.
Thank you Sayo!

February was the month everything became all right. The year my roommates informed me that I had begun laughing in my sleep. And I calculated. Among my prayers that time I asked God to make things alright, was to let me write my Bar Exams in peace and have the rest of August free before I dealt with my problems. So September. October. November. December. January. February. 6 months.
God will show up for you. It might be at the last moment but He will show up for you.

On People and Relationships

When I had to go register for the mandatory resit classes I met up with a friend. Later she told me she was freaking out when she saw me laughing and chatting happily. I can be morose, lots of people know that. But this year I shifted gears again. I refused to keep in touch with people who acted like they couldn’t care less whether I lived or died, or with people who’ve always treated me like an afterthought, and where before I would shut my mouth tightly or walk away when anyone got in my face, was rude to me etc etc, these days I get very close to their faces and reply. Online or in real time.

On Dating

I gave out so many fake numbers this year it’s ridiculous. For instance in law school there was this dude who sat down where I was eating and dragged me into conversation. He was articulate and well spoken and I suspected he’d ask and I was debating with myself as to whether I’d actually give it to him. Then he said something about how he’s never kissed a girl with braces before and I smiled and relaxed. Fake number definitely. Dude with personal space issues proposing marriage. Just-got-into-the-university-and-would-not-shut-up-in-the-cinema. Etc etc. I’m weaning myself of it though. But the fact that I didn’t give this dude a fake number is such an effective check on any exuberance I might have otherwise displayed.

On Friends

I won. I lost. I have this rule: Never place yourself in a position where you’re not wanted. I enforced it and thus broke away from about 20 people. Some days it hits me that among those people were people I loved, people I’d have given a kidney to. And then I remember the last days and I’m at peace. It’s not worth it if your hands shake and you have to give yourself a 30 minute pep talk before you call your best friend. It’s not worth it if you can’t talk about yourself without being accused of manipulating emotions. It’s not worth it when you have to claim that you have no expectations from your friends. Bullshit. Total utter nonsense. None of it was worth it.
I won. I met people I genuinely like. People I had instant camaraderie with. We might not be bestest friends forever right now but it’s a start, a promising start.

On Work and NYSC

I took a gap year. I was supposed to have finished youth service by now; except that I deferred for a year. So now I don the NYSC uniform and feel sometimes like I’ve lost 2 years of my life to the insane tiredness phenomenon. If I’d gone earlier I doubt it would have gone well though so I comfort myself with that and I’m at peace. All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

On Family

Although I took multiple steps back from my family as a whole, this year has brought to the forefront of my mind how much I love them. This was also my speaking out year so I’m so grateful that none of my family members have ever attempted to molest me because the good Lord knows I would have talked and talked loud. To every member of my family, thank you. I love you all.

On Insomnia

I grade my insomnia usually by the hour at which I can fall asleep. There were a couple of years when I could never sleep before the clock struck 6AM. These days I can fall asleep by 12AM. I’m grateful. I’m truly grateful.

On GOD

This year was quite interesting. I built on and developed my personal relationship with Him but except for the 3 months I was in Law School I hardly went to church services. I’d go to house fellowship instead and only attend church so I could pay my tithes.
2014 left me jaded about lots of churches and in 2015 I couldn’t muster up enough emotional energy so I restricted my church attendance.
I have plans in 2016 so please pray? Thanks.

Extra Testimonies:
1) Got my drivers license.
2) My mom fired her driver. Praise the Lord. If you want to, you can ask me why it’s a testimony.
3) I fell in love with Nigerian music for the second time this year. Not sure this should be classified as a testimony but it is certainly notable.

I’ve run out of things to talk about so I’ll end soon. I wish each and every single person who reads this post peace, love, joy, prosperity and happiness in the coming days.

P. S- Please read http://adaezewrites.com, it’s an amazing blog.

Hugs and kisses!

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Gbam!
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My cousin is super tall. So I grabbed this pic while she was seated.
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The Experience!
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TBC
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Do we look alike?
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One of the razzest pictures I could find. *wink*
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Please
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See my nice face. I just want to pinch those cheeks!

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Lawl! Lol. Beautiful
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Cutie!
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September 19 - First time I can remember that I ate boiled plantain
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2015 in summary
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Bulgur wheat- because my Godparents kids are minors and it feels weird putting their pictures on the blog

I’ve officially run out of things to say.

Have a wonderful 2016 everyone!

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41 thoughts on “I don’t like you like that (2015 review)

  1. Awww!😢 😢😢😢. I have to reread this like 3 times. Im overwhelmed with emotions right now. Perhaps i will come back to typed something meaniful.

    I thank God for your life and wishing you an adventurous and propserous new year innadvance

  2. Church is your extended family. Keep looking until you find one that feels like home. Remember every family has an eccentric aunt or uncle; there will be people you aren’t comfortable around. Going to church will not replace reading your Bible every day. (Of course, I will say that – I write Bible Reading Guides!) Jeremiah 29:11, (I know the plans I have for you…), was written to the Hebrews after they were captured by the Babylonians. God told them they would live in captivity for 70 years and then he gave them this promise. God is constantly working in your life. It will not happen overnight, but someday, you will look back and see how he directed you, even through the hard times. You were my lifeline when I thought no one, besides my family and close friends, was reading my posts. Thank you.

    1. Thank you sweetie for the comment. And I love your posts, you’re welcome. I recognize that church is like family and I promise to make a lot more of an effort in the coming year.
      Have an amazing 2016!

  3. This post is very deep, I’m sorry you had to go through those dark days. And I’m definitely glad that it’s lifting… it has lifted.
    You’re an awesome gal Barr Anyalogu, never forget that.
    Happy New Year Sweety

  4. Thanks for sharing your story, for sharing your testimonies. I’m grateful for how God saw you through, and for the wonderful chapters of your story that lie ahead.
    This post legit gives me hope – it gets better, with God it always gets better.

    A very happy new year to you. May joy, love, peace (and their companions) be permanent fixtures in your life.

    PS: curious me wants to know about the testimony re your mom’s driver. 🙂

    PPS: You write so brilliantly.

    http://www.thegracedmisfit.com

    1. Thank you. This comment brought such a smile to my face. Than you.
      Re my mom’s driver- multifarious problems- 1. He was addicted to alcohol. If he hadn’t drunk before he came to work, he’d drink before he dropped me off at Law school
      2. He was very cantankerous, he fought with absolutely everybody; my mom, her bosses, their drivers. It sometimes got violent for instance: he once cracked a man’s head with a stone. The man is alive, praise God. 3. He had this attitude about him, this air like he was doing you a favor, and you weren’t worth anything much that made it an agony to be around him. 4. He had a trigger sort of temper. The slightest thing would set him off. I kept begging my parents to let him go. I sent a family wide text. Then I stopped talking and I started praying. 6 months later after countless fights and arguments he asked my mom for something, she refused- he threatened a suicide- murder. Goodbye. Prayer works wonders!
      The new driver drives well, doesn’t drink, argue or fight. He’s super nice and almost always smiling. Everybody likes him. For our shame, we got sevenfold.

  5. Hi Uju,

    I enjoyed reading this heartfelt post, it had “Growth” written all over it. I also like how you broke it down into fragments. I am glad that your experiences have enriched your life. Indeed, there is light at the end of a dark tunnel.

    “A vanilla kind of likable” made me laugh. I know what you mean, niceness can be rather bland. Sadly, some people take advantage of nice people. I suppose there is a balance between not taking nonsense from other people and still being pleasant in a way that commands respect.

    Yay! I like my TBC photo, thank you. 🙂

    I wish you happiness and blessing in 2016.

    1. Yes, there is always light at the end of every dark tunnel. I remind myself of that whenever the dark thoughts come creeping in.
      On nice seeming bland. So true. I find continuously that lots of people are drawn to drama, even when that drama has tinges of meanness. I’m not. But am I going to lay down and let them crawl over me? No. I’m still learning that balance. Some days I interact with someone and I come out frowning and muttering “Never again”. Other times, I come out with a deep regret for having hurt someone for no reason at all. I’m trying to find the balance between the two.
      I’m surprised you don’t have it. I’ll look into sending everything to you at once.
      I wish you peace, joy and prosperity this year. Happy 2016 Chinedu.

  6. Happpppppy New Year Darling!!!!
    Your post resonates sooo much with me. Bipolar + acute depression. I would laugh along with friends and tears would stream down my face simultaneously. Mehn…but for God! Light! Knowledge! The ability to let go and let God!

    So glad you are outta there. You may not be where you wanna be, but you are certainly not in that hole anymore. Thanks for this moving post. *Hugsss*

    Ebonyduchess Blog

  7. Hi Uju, this is a beautiful post. You write so seamlessly and beautifully. I wish you a great year ahead 🙂 (literarily and otherwise).

    1. Aww thank you Dewunmi. One of my valuable gifts and reliefs as last year drew to a close was that you had resumed writing. I do pray this year gives you the best of everything. Giant hugs!

  8. Uju, from your account of 2014 and 2015, I feel I need to wish you a Happy 2016 … again! 😀

    Like you, I have been through the whole drama with friends, and part of growing older (and wiser hopefully) is knowing when to let go of unprofitable friendships. Seems like you’ve taken care of that.

    This really encouraged me and I’m holding onto it: “God will show up for you.”

    Please write about your mum firing her driver. I shall be waiting for it. 🙂

    Have an awesome 2016 … and week!

    1. Hehe. Thank you. And in the same vein, Happy New Year again babe. I wish you the utmost best. Yes it definitely is a lot about letting go. But letting go had to be accompanied by peace of mind as well. I remember I called a particular friend I let go a lot of times hoping we could work things out with each other. When I let go, I let go with a feeling of peace knowing that I had done my best. Kind of like a divorce. Did that make me a wiser person? I definitely hope so.
      Thank you. I hope it encourages you whenever you read it. Lol. I’ll merge it with the other story you asked me to write.
      Same to you!

  9. Hey Uju,
    I wish I could be courageous enough to write about my 2015 experience the way you have but alas, I don’t think I have such courage, For everyone in life, no matter how rich, or how poor, how flamboyant or how stable, there exist a trying time and these trying times are mostly necessary. It is when we have these trails that we come appreciate God’s sustenance.

    You are a strong lady and I have been reading your write-ups, (the only problem is, my comments love to disappear) but it’s 2016 so, i’ll say No to disappearing comments. I was touched by the reference to my blog on your post, awww….thank you so much dear and God bless you.
    You are one pretty lady!

    1. I say NO TO DISAPPEARING COMMENTS ON YOUR BEHALF. I’ll check my spam folder as well. Yes, we all have trying times and we all feel like giving up sometimes. I have never appreciated God more than when I came through the issues and I have never been as angry at him as when I was in the midst of them.
      You’re welcome. Your blog is super awesome and I’m already addicted to it.
      And I love your face and your eyes. They’re beautiful.

    1. Awww. I missed you too. Checked out a post and left a comment. I’ll be on your sister’s blog too. Thanks for the hugs. I appreciate them.

  10. Oh wow this post is deep, courageous , encouraging and beautiful. Am so glad you are in happier places now. Cheers to beautiful 2016 !

  11. Hi Uju,

    I just read this blog post and I was wowed. This is truly amazing and inspiring, your story touched the deepest place in my heart. I got to say that your strength gives me hope. In all every praise is to our God.

    God bless you and keep, may He cause all grace to abound towards you and give His peace all understanding in 2016. Your best days are yet to come. Just look up and see the blue skys, they are smiling over you.

    P.S you are amazing writer.

  12. Hi Uju,

    I just read this blog post and I was wowed. This is truly amazing and inspiring, your story touched the deepest spot in my heart. I got to say that your strength gives me hope. In all, know that every praise is to our God.

    God bless you and keep you; cause all grace to abound towards you; and give you peace which surpassses all understanding. Your best days are yet to come. Just look up and see the blue skys, they really are smiling over you.

    P.S you are an amazing writer.

    Noticed there were a couple of typos in my first comment.

  13. Obianuju, I appreciate and admire God in you. I’m glad you are enthusiastic about the year and yes, 2014 was really a tough year. Halleluyah, we are survivors. I admire that you had cause to laugh even when it seemed unreasonable to. Never ever forget, God has you! O yes he does, u are engraved in the palm of his hands, the apple of his eyes. God has so much he wants to still do in your life, always try to encourage yourself in the Lord. I’ve not been the best friend I should be, perhaps I should keep a fast sometimes and vigils when praying for you. God needs you

    1. I admire you so much! You constantly make me want to be a better person.
      I definitely intend to keep encouraging myself in God. There are testimonies that are still waiting to be unlocked by my prayers.
      Lol. You’re a very good friend.

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