Let’s Talk about Sex baby ( SEXUAL ABUSE, STREET HARASSMENT AND THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION)

Before you Read This:

I am a funny person. I believe that everyday goes better if you have laughed like a hyena. I believe in being childish. In walking away when people irritate me instead of getting into a war of words with them. Yes this post has injections of humour. Yes, everything in this post actually did happen. No, I am not permanently damaged. And yes, I have forgiven every one of the people here. But forgiveness does not mean forgetting. The reason one name is mentioned and the other isn’t is because I have proof in one case and none in the other. Sucks, yes, but that’s the way life is.
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I remember a time in secondary school when someone slapped me, right across the face. I so wanted to slap him back. And I would have but for 2 reasons:
1. I had a crush on him.
2. 3 people pulled me away before my brain could give my hand the order to move and return the slap. Still, there are some nights when I think back, see my fists clench and wish I had returned that slap. That’s one of the reasons I’m writing this.

Because although I did not deserve that slap and so severely wish I had returned it, I can’t return it now. Even if I saw him now, even if he gave me the slightest opportunity to, the chance is gone. The context has disappeared and slapping him now will warrant explanation upon explanation or degenerate into a full blown fight and I don’t have the energy or inclination for either. But I definitely have the inclination to fight this war.

I have been sexualized since I was 11 years old. Which incidentally was the same age that hediot (a male idiot) slapped me. Go figure.

It was in my house. By my lesson teacher. While my little brother lay sick in the next room, this particular hediot puckered his lips and made to kiss me. I slapped him. He obviously did not get the message. He tried to touch my vagina. I slapped him again. What followed next was a comical chase around the house. My house (my parents’ actually).

Now the obvious thing for me to have done would have been to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs. I didn’t. I wish I had, but in this particular instance, I can still scream, not just for me but for the millions of people; girls and boys going through this silently.
He remained my lesson teacher, funny thing.Then my little brother’s. And so from age 11 to 15/16 the incidents continued and I told no one until the third day I found him in my bedroom, in the morning, on a chair, watching me sleep. Then I told 2 of my cousins/family members/those people who are not exactly your family members but spend so much time in your house you consider them family. And then the incidents stopped. My parents knew nothing of this until last year.

At age 16/17, I went for an interview, an internship position, and I met the second hediot (well, the third one actually, if we count the dude who slapped me). This one was stylish in his pervertedness. From the interview stage where his left hand kept straying perpetually to my trouser clad thighs as I sat beside him writing multiple letters for his assessment (he is a lawyer specially concerned with arbitration,writing articles and books and teaching other lawyers how to write) to the time I locked myself in the toilet in his house/office because he decided to stop being stylish in his pervertedness and step out into the light. In so many ways, I wish I had taken a vacation that summer. But hindsight has 20/20 vision, doesn’t it?
The most recent incident of sexual abuse was last year, during my externship period in the morning while I made my way to court. There was a man walking toward me, an arm extended. In the time it took for me to give him and his arm way, he had tapped current (that “refreshing” Nigerian slang we give to sexual abuse). And I had to deal with questions from pretty much everyone around including the man who stopped my fingers as I was getting ready to punch him, as to whether he was my boyfriend. He was not.

The main reason I’m writing this article is because I keep thinking of something someone once said to me when I opened up about the first hediot and his wandering lips and hands. She said, “Uju, we’ve all gone through it. It happens to everyone”, and comparing it to multiple testimonies I’ve heard about people cured from an addiction to pornography, having multiple sexual partners or multiple abortions. In some of those cases, it started with just one lesson teacher/babysitter/auntie/uncle/mom/dad with wandering hands and no self control.

While the Nigerian National Assembly debated whether to vote to legalise child marriage, I shared so many articles, pre-written by others as to why it was a terrible idea. There is no such discussion now, no trend right now concerning this problem but I knew I would not be able to sleep this night until I wrote this article.

Paedophilia, paraphilia and pederasty (Sexual or erotic feelings or desires directed by adults and late adolescents towards children; particularly, in psychiatry, adult sexual attraction to prepubescent children) are mental diseases. Given the fact that sex is a touchy subject, sexual abuse and street harassment are tarred with the same brush too. And that is the other reason I’m writing this. I have taken the abuse, the harassment and stifled every feeling concerning it, relying on my self control to get me through. But last year, my self control snapped. Repressed words came out in very high decibels. And when no words came out, I just screamed. That’s how my parents found  out about the lesson teacher debacle by the way.

Don’t pass your mental disease to me

Paedophilia is the one mental disease that re -enacts repeatedly. Multiple times. If you don’t believe me, please check Google. Or watch October 1 (Kunle Afolayan). However, just as there is no forgiveness for thieves who have had things stolen from them, there should be no forgiveness for rapists and paedophiles who were victims themselves.

I’m tired of having insomnia. I’ve had it since I was 11. I’m tired of being afraid of having kids. I’m tired of having the beginnings of panic attacks every time I go to the market. I’m tired of not talking about it. My fists clenched about an hour ago and I knew I had to talk about it.

THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION

Kill them all. Every last one of them. Or, lock them in prison. Cut off their penises, or put habanero pepper in their vaginas on an hourly basis and give them no food or drink till they die. Lol.

The obvious solution is not the wisest.
If I had slapped that guy back then, I have no doubt that he and I would have fought. At that age, when the difference in our bodies was just making itself known, I have no fear that I would have held my own but ultimately, he would have beaten me. It is the same with this issue. A city, a society, a country divided against itself cannot stand.

So, much as I relish my daydreams of the bridge littered with dismembered genitals and steaming vaginas, I alternatively recommend that every state have a book/list/record of sexual offenders; even our brothers in the North. I recommend that all victims be taken for medical as well as psychological treatment, preferably free (Support Mirabel Centre in any way you can please) and every school have extensive sexual education.
Furthermore, teach little kids/ big kids self defense (give to Stand to End Rape please), help educate people (also give to Slum2School and the Destiny Trust), report any suspicious behaviour of a sexual nature to the police and please whenever the police get an account number for the renovation of their barracks, help then too (it is naive to expect sympathy/action from anyone who lives in those conditions).

More than your money, we need you to spread the word.
To the victims: It is not your fault. No, that flash of prepubescent leg did not bring this to you. No that stolen meat from the pot does not entitle Uncle Sunday to make you suck his genitals or Auntie Bunmi/Chika/Ekaette/Hadiza to touch yours. Yes, mummy/daddy/auntie and Uncle still love you and always will. And yes, we will keep Uncle Sunday and Auntie Bunmi/Chika/Ekaette/Hadiza away from you. If you see them anywhere, tell us. Come let’s go to a special doctor/ psychologist (depending on their level of understanding).
To the offenders- After reporting them to the police and having their names registered as sexual offenders, “Never come near my child again. If I ever see you around them, heaven help me, I will kill you.

By no means is it a precise science. Nor does it cover all such incidences. This is just a guideline. I expounded more on it in an article I wrote last year (http://inbetweenpeople.wordpress.com/2014/09/17/sexual-abuse-how-to-effectively-deal-with-it-and-contain-it/).

May God give you the grace to deal with such situations. It is difficult. But it is doable. So please TAKE A STAND.

Postscript

1. Hediot Number 1 (Lesson Teacher) was/is named Sunday Mofolusho Oyeyemi Adekoya.

2. I sucked no one’s genitals nor had mine sucked. I did not have abortions nor have I been raped. I have not become a paedophile nor gotten addicted to pornography. I just have insomnia, had severe bouts of depression, feelings of worthlessness, guilt and shame climaxing last year in manic depression aka bipolar disorder. I don’t have it anymore but yes, it happens. Even in Nigeria.

PLEASE HELP SOMEONE TODAY.
PLEASE OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SHARE YOUR STORY.
PLEASE STOP SEXUALIZING CHILDREN.
PLEASE STOP COVERING UP FOR PAEDOPHILES.

Thank you.

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Some recommended resources-

Teach your children about SEX before an evil person does – Viola Okolie

From pain to prayer…

And if you want FREE Christian resources and Ebooks- go to http://www.biblesnet.com/ebooks.html.

Cheers.

💛

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15 thoughts on “Let’s Talk about Sex baby ( SEXUAL ABUSE, STREET HARASSMENT AND THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION)

  1. A very timely article, though a little too close home for me, but definitely something that needs to be talked about. (I have, on a number of occasions, and now, for myself, I choose not to anymore.) The damage done to people by this sort of thing cannot even be calculated, and when you add the effects of non-sexual psychological abuse to the mix, well… then you end up with characters such as myself. So thanks for having the courage I know it takes to discuss these things, and I hope you have truly managed to cope with the effects of these incidents in your life. I know that I have in many ways, and in many more, I am still trying.

  2. Well-written Uju, there was humour but most importantly, there was meaning.

    I agree with you, there should be more conversations about this, and the shame would be placed squarely on the abuser and not the abused.

    Quite sadly, it is a hush-hush topic in these parts. A frightening dimension being reported with alarming frequency nowadays is incest. Fathers taking from their daughters what was never theirs to take in the first place.

    “daydreams of the bridge littered with dismembered genitals and steaming vaginas” XD It would be rather delightful if a massive painting of this imagery was placed where everyone would see it.

    Have a nice day!

    1. Ahhh! My sentiment exactly. But society being patriarchal and in my own opinion, too “respectful” for its own good, almost always lays the blame at the feet of the abused. She smiled, he sat on his lap, she was dressed immodestly…
      It can be and it is, tiring. And I don’t just want to be tired, I want to DO something.
      When I think about incest, my mind shuts down. It is scary. How are we supposed to tell women that they can be anything, that they are important, when their fathers, brothers and cousins SHOW them that they aren’t.
      I have no drawing ability. The other day, someone scoffed at a drawing of a shirt I made 😭. But if you do, definitely post it.
      Thanks for reading.
      Thank you so much for commenting.

  3. I am saddened to read about your experience. By sharing about it, you have become a voice for others. May your healing be complete.

    This is an important subject for discussion. It is never too early to start educating boys and girls and to stop ‘trusting’ the adults who are responsible for their care- by this I mean putting safeguards in place.

    I don’t think we should cover up for offenders. Naming names as you have done could provoke a libel suit in some societies if there isn’t any evidence. And evidence isn’t my word against his. I can imagine the deep sentiments that would influence one to name and shame. Much food for thought for me regarding this type of public shaming.

    Thanks for sharing.

    1. Thanks for your comment Timi. It is appreciated. And I do pray also that my healing be completed.
      In the way of evidence, I have 3 people who I asked to remove him from my room. He had gotten so into the habit, one person wasn’t enough.
      Once again, thank you for the comment.

  4. I can imagine the traumatic experiences you have gone through. Its rather sad that in this part of the world people looked down on people with sexual abuse. Women are emotional beings and sexual abuse triggers so many negative and physological response that could be damaging to the lady selfworth, self esteem and image.
    By voicing your experience out, you will kinda a new lease of life. I will advice you go for counselling especially relay all your fears and feelings to someone you can trust.
    I recommended meditating on God’s word to combate insomnia.

    1. Yes, I have had trauma but God has been faithful.
      If you could give me a list of bible verses, that would be very helpful.
      And I’ve relayed my fears too. To a lot of my friends.
      The important thing is to keep talking about it. Let the perpetrators know that it’s wrong.
      By the way, thank you for visiting, reading and commenting. It is much appreciated.

  5. Bible Verses About Trauma

    Bible verses related to Trauma from the King James Version (KJV) by Relevance – Sort By Book Order

    Psalms 107:13-16 – Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble, [and] he saved them out of their distresses. (Read More…)

    1 Peter 5:7 – Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

    Psalms 91:4-6 – He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth [shall be thy] shield and buckler. (Read More…)

    Psalms 34:4 – I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

    Joel 2:25 – And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.

    Matthew 11:28-30 – Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Read More…)

    Isaiah 61:1-8 – The Spirit of the Lord GOD [is] upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to [them that are] bound; (Read More…)

    1 Peter 1:3-9 – Blessed [be] the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, (Read More…)

    Isaiah 41:10 – Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

    2 Timothy 1:7 – For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

    Proverbs 1:33 – But whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil.

    Psalms 23:1-6 – (A Psalm of David.)

    2 Corinthians 1:3-7 – Blessed [be] God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

    Isaiah 51:12-15 – I, [even] I, [am] he that comforteth you: who [art] thou, that thou shouldest be afraid of a man [that] shall die, and of the son of man [which] shall be made [as] grass; (Read More…)

    Lamentations 3:21-24 – This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. (Read More…)

    Isaiah 54:10 – For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the LORD that hath mercy on thee.

    Psalms 91:1-2 – He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. (Read More…)

    James 5:16 – Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

    I hoped all these scriptures will helped and concerning insomnia this scriptures are effective

    (Psalm 127:2)……………for so he giveth his beloved sleep
    Jer 31:26
    Psalm 4:8
    Job 11:19
    Proverb 3:24.
    Meditates on these scriptures. God bless

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