(Yet) Another Award!

So recently (September 10, 2015) one of my favourite bloggers came, read and commented on my last posted article here. As it was a sensitive issue, I’d expected I wouldn’t get many comments on it and true to expectation, I haven’t :). I went over to her blog and she had just posted an article too. I read for a bit- she had been given an award and then I saw THIS-

“Tendrils: Uju, you are delightfully witty, and remind me to always see the funny side.”

And that’s the reason for this post. Go over here and thank her oh! I haven’t been in touch with my writing side lately and I had vague dreams of starving you of my awesome delightful self until my Call to Bar (21st of October) but she saved y’all. Lucky lucky you!

Seriously speaking though, (Chi?)Nedoux Ahanonu (I just found out her surname too) is the blogger/blog reader I feel I am most similar to. I’ll give you some examples-
1. She has a blog, I do too!
2. She has a car, I drive regularly in my dreams.
3. She knows how to sew, I know how to sew (somewhat).
4. She likes Terrakulture, so do I.
5. She dances and sings in her car, I’m a regular car exhibitionist myself.
6. She regularly explores the comment section for more blogs to explore, as do I!

Need I go on? 

The rules of the award are:

Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site;
Put the award logo on your blog;

image

Answer the ten questions sent to you;

Nominate five blogs;

Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer.

Complete this sentence,
1. “A beautiful day is: Sunny yet cool. Pleasantly occupying with no pressure and no stress.

2. What are your favourite books? Ahh, I can’t hold up one book and say it’s my favourite but The Bible, The Confident Woman(Joyce Meyer), Shades of Grace (Barbara Delinsky), Paradise (Judith McNaught), The True meaning of Cleavage (Mariah Fredericks), All Kelley Armstrong books; especially the Otherworld series, All Karen Kingsbury books, Hadassah (Tommy Tenney), All Francine Rivers books, All Emilie Richards books, The Butterfly Sister (Amy Gail Hansen) etc etc are top considerations.

3. What are your thoughts on “New Book Smell”? Divine. If I could, I’d crawl inside and nestle.

4. How would you describe Grief? Throat constricting, Panic inducing, Regret magnifying. It steals who you once were and sometimes, makes you a better you.

5. How would you describe Happiness? A decision mostly. A choice which has rippling effects on everything else.

6. Why do you write? Because I want to make myself laugh primarily, because I want to vent, because I want to illuminate, because I can. Because I have a story, multiple stories to tell.

7. What song can be described as the official soundtrack of your childhood? Hmm, do I have to pick just one? No? Awesome.
My love don’t cost a thing- Jennifer Lopez, Stand up for the champions- Right Said Fred, Stand by me- Lemon Ice, What’s love got to do with it- Tina Turner, Survivor- Destiny’s Child, It wasn’t me- Shaggy. Lemme stop here.

8. Wallpaper or paint?  I’ve only ever used paint. High quality paint. Or wallpaper with sheep on it. You know, so I can count them and drift off. Should help, you think?

9. What’s your favourite quote? The grass is greener when you water it.

10. How would you Caption this mental picture? Imagine a bride on her wedding day sitting before her mirrored dressing table, adjusting her white veil. There’s a framed photograph of her late father at the corner of the table- “Trying to spend this time with you before I start this new chapter, I wish you were here…”

*Drumroll* My nominees-

1. Dr. N – Fiction, non – fiction, it doesn’t matter. I love your blog. I have read your archives through and through. You are an awesome writer and you shine beautifully for Christ.

2. Adaeze – The regularity with which you post, the humour, the seriousness, the SENSE! If you close your blog, I will track you down. And flog you. 🙂 YOU ARE AN AWESOME WRITER. NEVER. DOUBT. THAT.

3. Seyi – You’re not female, but you are kind, friendly, generous with your time, your praise and your comments. You totally deserve this.

4. Sharon– You are an amazing writer. So amazing, I have given you a second nomination on the same award. Keep writing biko. I love the Aso- Ebi chronicles as well.

5. ‘Dewunmi– When are you coming back? There’s no post left unread. I’m hungry for more.

And now, my questions’
1. Pancakes or spaghetti?

2. What do you like most about yourself?

3. What is your primary love language?

4. What is your foremost personality type (Choleric, melancholy, phlegmatic or sanguine? )

5. What is your favourite fabric?

6. If you were to give me a gift based on the contents of this blog alone, what would it be?

7. What behaviour annoys you the most in people?

8. If your best friend who has been there for you through thick and thin, asks your permission to date your ex, who you still have feelings for, what would you say?

9. What is your favourite snack?

10. Tell me something I don’t know about you…

Once again Nedoux, thank you!

Answer me oh! If you don’t, 😠.

😆😆😆😆😆

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Let’s Talk about Sex baby ( SEXUAL ABUSE, STREET HARASSMENT AND THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION)

Before you Read This:

I am a funny person. I believe that everyday goes better if you have laughed like a hyena. I believe in being childish. In walking away when people irritate me instead of getting into a war of words with them. Yes this post has injections of humour. Yes, everything in this post actually did happen. No, I am not permanently damaged. And yes, I have forgiven every one of the people here. But forgiveness does not mean forgetting. The reason one name is mentioned and the other isn’t is because I have proof in one case and none in the other. Sucks, yes, but that’s the way life is.
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I remember a time in secondary school when someone slapped me, right across the face. I so wanted to slap him back. And I would have but for 2 reasons:
1. I had a crush on him.
2. 3 people pulled me away before my brain could give my hand the order to move and return the slap. Still, there are some nights when I think back, see my fists clench and wish I had returned that slap. That’s one of the reasons I’m writing this.

Because although I did not deserve that slap and so severely wish I had returned it, I can’t return it now. Even if I saw him now, even if he gave me the slightest opportunity to, the chance is gone. The context has disappeared and slapping him now will warrant explanation upon explanation or degenerate into a full blown fight and I don’t have the energy or inclination for either. But I definitely have the inclination to fight this war.

I have been sexualized since I was 11 years old. Which incidentally was the same age that hediot (a male idiot) slapped me. Go figure.

It was in my house. By my lesson teacher. While my little brother lay sick in the next room, this particular hediot puckered his lips and made to kiss me. I slapped him. He obviously did not get the message. He tried to touch my vagina. I slapped him again. What followed next was a comical chase around the house. My house (my parents’ actually).

Now the obvious thing for me to have done would have been to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs. I didn’t. I wish I had, but in this particular instance, I can still scream, not just for me but for the millions of people; girls and boys going through this silently.
He remained my lesson teacher, funny thing.Then my little brother’s. And so from age 11 to 15/16 the incidents continued and I told no one until the third day I found him in my bedroom, in the morning, on a chair, watching me sleep. Then I told 2 of my cousins/family members/those people who are not exactly your family members but spend so much time in your house you consider them family. And then the incidents stopped. My parents knew nothing of this until last year.

At age 16/17, I went for an interview, an internship position, and I met the second hediot (well, the third one actually, if we count the dude who slapped me). This one was stylish in his pervertedness. From the interview stage where his left hand kept straying perpetually to my trouser clad thighs as I sat beside him writing multiple letters for his assessment (he is a lawyer specially concerned with arbitration,writing articles and books and teaching other lawyers how to write) to the time I locked myself in the toilet in his house/office because he decided to stop being stylish in his pervertedness and step out into the light. In so many ways, I wish I had taken a vacation that summer. But hindsight has 20/20 vision, doesn’t it?
The most recent incident of sexual abuse was last year, during my externship period in the morning while I made my way to court. There was a man walking toward me, an arm extended. In the time it took for me to give him and his arm way, he had tapped current (that “refreshing” Nigerian slang we give to sexual abuse). And I had to deal with questions from pretty much everyone around including the man who stopped my fingers as I was getting ready to punch him, as to whether he was my boyfriend. He was not.

The main reason I’m writing this article is because I keep thinking of something someone once said to me when I opened up about the first hediot and his wandering lips and hands. She said, “Uju, we’ve all gone through it. It happens to everyone”, and comparing it to multiple testimonies I’ve heard about people cured from an addiction to pornography, having multiple sexual partners or multiple abortions. In some of those cases, it started with just one lesson teacher/babysitter/auntie/uncle/mom/dad with wandering hands and no self control.

While the Nigerian National Assembly debated whether to vote to legalise child marriage, I shared so many articles, pre-written by others as to why it was a terrible idea. There is no such discussion now, no trend right now concerning this problem but I knew I would not be able to sleep this night until I wrote this article.

Paedophilia, paraphilia and pederasty (Sexual or erotic feelings or desires directed by adults and late adolescents towards children; particularly, in psychiatry, adult sexual attraction to prepubescent children) are mental diseases. Given the fact that sex is a touchy subject, sexual abuse and street harassment are tarred with the same brush too. And that is the other reason I’m writing this. I have taken the abuse, the harassment and stifled every feeling concerning it, relying on my self control to get me through. But last year, my self control snapped. Repressed words came out in very high decibels. And when no words came out, I just screamed. That’s how my parents found  out about the lesson teacher debacle by the way.

Don’t pass your mental disease to me

Paedophilia is the one mental disease that re -enacts repeatedly. Multiple times. If you don’t believe me, please check Google. Or watch October 1 (Kunle Afolayan). However, just as there is no forgiveness for thieves who have had things stolen from them, there should be no forgiveness for rapists and paedophiles who were victims themselves.

I’m tired of having insomnia. I’ve had it since I was 11. I’m tired of being afraid of having kids. I’m tired of having the beginnings of panic attacks every time I go to the market. I’m tired of not talking about it. My fists clenched about an hour ago and I knew I had to talk about it.

THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION

Kill them all. Every last one of them. Or, lock them in prison. Cut off their penises, or put habanero pepper in their vaginas on an hourly basis and give them no food or drink till they die. Lol.

The obvious solution is not the wisest.
If I had slapped that guy back then, I have no doubt that he and I would have fought. At that age, when the difference in our bodies was just making itself known, I have no fear that I would have held my own but ultimately, he would have beaten me. It is the same with this issue. A city, a society, a country divided against itself cannot stand.

So, much as I relish my daydreams of the bridge littered with dismembered genitals and steaming vaginas, I alternatively recommend that every state have a book/list/record of sexual offenders; even our brothers in the North. I recommend that all victims be taken for medical as well as psychological treatment, preferably free (Support Mirabel Centre in any way you can please) and every school have extensive sexual education.
Furthermore, teach little kids/ big kids self defense (give to Stand to End Rape please), help educate people (also give to Slum2School and the Destiny Trust), report any suspicious behaviour of a sexual nature to the police and please whenever the police get an account number for the renovation of their barracks, help then too (it is naive to expect sympathy/action from anyone who lives in those conditions).

More than your money, we need you to spread the word.
To the victims: It is not your fault. No, that flash of prepubescent leg did not bring this to you. No that stolen meat from the pot does not entitle Uncle Sunday to make you suck his genitals or Auntie Bunmi/Chika/Ekaette/Hadiza to touch yours. Yes, mummy/daddy/auntie and Uncle still love you and always will. And yes, we will keep Uncle Sunday and Auntie Bunmi/Chika/Ekaette/Hadiza away from you. If you see them anywhere, tell us. Come let’s go to a special doctor/ psychologist (depending on their level of understanding).
To the offenders- After reporting them to the police and having their names registered as sexual offenders, “Never come near my child again. If I ever see you around them, heaven help me, I will kill you.

By no means is it a precise science. Nor does it cover all such incidences. This is just a guideline. I expounded more on it in an article I wrote last year (http://inbetweenpeople.wordpress.com/2014/09/17/sexual-abuse-how-to-effectively-deal-with-it-and-contain-it/).

May God give you the grace to deal with such situations. It is difficult. But it is doable. So please TAKE A STAND.

Postscript

1. Hediot Number 1 (Lesson Teacher) was/is named Sunday Mofolusho Oyeyemi Adekoya.

2. I sucked no one’s genitals nor had mine sucked. I did not have abortions nor have I been raped. I have not become a paedophile nor gotten addicted to pornography. I just have insomnia, had severe bouts of depression, feelings of worthlessness, guilt and shame climaxing last year in manic depression aka bipolar disorder. I don’t have it anymore but yes, it happens. Even in Nigeria.

PLEASE HELP SOMEONE TODAY.
PLEASE OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SHARE YOUR STORY.
PLEASE STOP SEXUALIZING CHILDREN.
PLEASE STOP COVERING UP FOR PAEDOPHILES.

Thank you.

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Some recommended resources-

Teach your children about SEX before an evil person does – Viola Okolie

From pain to prayer…

And if you want FREE Christian resources and Ebooks- go to http://www.biblesnet.com/ebooks.html.

Cheers.

💛